Scattered

I feel like I was scattered all over the place again.  This time it was my ignorence or arigance.  Im not sure which one but, I was thrown for a loop or slapped in the face wtih the reality of my situation.

I let myself feel safe and in love, too soon I think.  I let my guard down.  I let my imagination and heart free.

I would say this is a good thing but Im just not ready to be wronged again or ready to be dissapointed.
I am not sure what to do really so I am just concentrating on me.
What do I have to do today to make it successful, what do I have to do to feel good?

This is the easy way to live these days.  The hard days are just ahead......

The person that has the potential to hurt me has been gone so it has been easy to act as if he wasnt ever here.
But he is almost back, I will have to see him almost every day.  This will be hard and I don't know what I want to do.  Do I want to continue this risk or stop it now?  How will I know?

Worse yet, what if he has already decided for me? 

I never thought this would happen so soon.  To become so attached.  To love like this so quickly.

Well here's to hoping it all works out! 

family

Recently my grandmother passed away.  She was my last grandparent and the link to my family.
My mothers family is mostly gone and what little is left is no where near us.
My fathers family is all around but if not for my grandma we would probably never see them.

This was not easy for me.  This just reminds me I am that much closer to loosing my own parents.  A thought I am not ready to contend with.  Again it reminds me how quickly time goes by.

I did not get to spend a lot of time with my grandma before she passed.  I regret not seeing her more, as I am sure most of us do.  I am happy she passed peacefully and will miss her very much.  She had her faults like we all do but she was giving.  She was funny too.  Especially as she got older, she let out more.  I can only imagine what she was like when she was young and spoke freely among her friends.
She was pretty.

I can't imagine those that grow up without grandparents or family at all.  How alone it must be. I am grateful that I had all my grandparents for so long. 

I think I never realized how separate my family was until recently.  I guess its because my ex's family was huge and I was involved in his so I didn't realize mine was so distant.

I spoke with my sister about trying to keep my family together, not sure how successful we will be. 
But for myself, this is a goal I will set.  It might not be the same tradition as before but I plan to put forth an effort to make better connections within my family.

Time lines

So I have this strange thing I do to myself.  
I put timelines on everything.   Maybe this is a side effect of my work.  Everything does have a timeline.

But in our personal life time lines don't make sense and tend to cause us to rush and make decisions too early.  I learned this in my marriage as I feel like that is why I even got married.
I had this timeline in  my head.
Get degree, find work, meet man, get married buy house, have family!  Oh yeah must all be completed by 35.  I would have completed all that if not for the whole pregnancy thing.

Obviously thinking back this timeline maybe pushed me to or helped me to keep moving forward even though I knew my husband wasn't ready or wouldn't be successful, so not a good idea.

Now I feel myself trying to do this again.  I am happy mostly where I am.  I would tweek a few things but overall happy.  So why do I feel the need to put a timeline in place again?
My big concern is this timeline could cause me to push or over think things and ruin them.  

Why do it?  Why put this timeline in place?   How can I stop myself?

Between

I know this is gonna sound kind of sad, but I don't mean it that way.

I'm living in this kind of in between state these days.
Almost divorced, but not quite.
Almost in a relationship, but not quite.
Almost at my weight goal, but not quite.
I have a home, but not really.

The big question is........How long do you live like this?   Until you say no more?
Do you say no more cause you feel it or cause you think it?

Some of these things I don't have control over, some I do.
I am ready to move to the next step the not between step.
I guess technically I have been living between for over a year.
I think its starting to wear on me.
I used to not think about being there, It used to be just where I was, now its where I want to move on from.

There are some obstacles in my way and one is fear.
Fear I am making some wrong choices.
People say trust your heart.  I thought I did that before, didn't get me very far.
Now I wonder if it was my heart I heard or something else.  If it was something else what if that's what I'm hearing again?

Ugh......  so many questions, no one answers!!

LOL

present, past, now future

Everyone has a story to tell.  So do I.  I am learning now how my story is told. 
You often hear, I'm glad what I went through it made me who I am today. 
I'm sure it did but what about......  This is me so this is my story.

I mean, everyone would handle the same situation different.  So why not say I shaped it not it shaped me?

My story in the present was like so many.  I was in the middle, I did what I could.  I made decisions unsure of what would happen in the end.  When I was in my story I could not see anything else, I could not see the beginning the middle or the end.  It was like I woke up wrapped up and just had to be.

My story in the past was embarrassing.  So many people judge us for what we have been through and how we have handled it. 
You should have, I would have, I don't know how you could..... 
I knew no other way, I was being me. 
I was supporting someone that needed me.  I had pledged my love to this person and though they were not showing me ANY love in their actions I still gave them me. 
I gave me until I felt I had no more to give. 
This is my past, being embarrassed of my actions. 
WHY?  Why is it soooo bad to be supportive and giving until you have no more to give?

So now my story is my future.  I am still me.  I have given and I made it through.  We did not. 
I'm okay with that.
I am no longer embarrassed because I do realize.  I shouldn't be. 
Why should I be embarrassed to have given so much of myself to help another?  Maybe you should be embarrassed that you won't. 

My future is not what happened to me but its how I made it into this...
I will still give, I will still support, I will be there, I will not judge!
I will love!!!!   and I will love BIG!!!!

new life

I feel like I am making my way to a new self.  Slowly I am more confident is this new single life.  It is not as easy as I initially thought it would be.
At 36 you are not the youngest perkiest girl out at night.  LOL.
And lets face it, a lot of what guys are looking for is not the girl that looks the most successful.  Or at least if they are they don't have the balls to do anything about it.

I am caught in that middle place in life, don't want to look too young and don't want to feel that old. 
I know what I want and I am determined to not settle.

I think the hardest part at this time is that most men and women around my age have young children and are in family mode.  This means its hard to find new friends.  I have some friends that don't have children but I can't just hang out with them only. 

At this moment I am feeling calm, busy and ready.... ready for life!

Too much

Well there is a lot to say.
Just got back from a family vacation....enough said...lol.

Also I am at a turning point.... its time to officially say goodbye to my ex.  He is coming to pack up some of his belongings and I am just realizing that I have moved on but not said goodbye....
Does that make sense?
I am furious and over my ex but saying goodbye seems to be hard.   I can't figure this out and wish there was someone with some wisdom out there for me.

So whats next?   Good question.....
I am at a stand still with some relationships in my life and questioning if I should start new ones. 
Part of me feels that I need to hold off on new relationships, part of me is ready to get started.
I have so many uncertainties in my head at this time and I'm not sure how to figure any of them out.
So instead I am doing the typical thing, filling my days with work and other non-personal things....

Here is to confusion and frustration.... if anyone has a solution let me know!  Funny since I really only have 1 follower and I talked to her today...

I strayed from me

So I guess it happens, you start off with a plan and its going good then you are sidetracked by something, someone, work....  Next thing you know you almost can't remember the plan.

So I was doing good putting myself first until the past few months.  Then I went off track.  I let someone sidetrack me.  What is my problem?  Why do I keep letting people get me off track?

I truly do believe that if I put myself first, work on me I will find the right person, relationship.  Or it will find me.

So back on track, it is gonna take some work but today I started. 
I didn't wait for anyone, I didn't need to talk to anyone.  I worked, worked out, ate dinner and concentrated on me! 
Tomorrow is the same!

its all okay

I should be sad, my marriage is over, I am going through a horrible divorce, I am loosing another house I worked for BUT...
I'm okay.  And I will be better than okay. 
I will be happy, happier.
I will be with someone that supports me, encourages me and motivates me.
Someone that turns me on mentally, sexually and maybe even spiritually.

I will have an amazing man in my life that will show me what a relationship really is, what a partner really is.
I have a good life, why start looking on the down side now.

Thanks to my friend that went out with me last night.  Had a great time.  I'm very happy we have become so close and can't wait til all the other fun times to come

what happened to zen

So
My days have been very hectic and I have not been living very Zen like. 
I am letting things get to me more than I should.
I am taking on too much
I am not following through with things that make me happy (working out)
I am not completing things I know will make my life better.....

Am I sabotaging myself?
What is wrong with me?

I have decided to take my life back this week.   Call it Scarlets version of reconnecting, centering or...
saying screw everyone else, I have to do me!

So here is to making this happen.  Starting now.  I am emailing work to say I will not be in.
(PS this is unheard of for Scarlet)

OOOMMMM

Independence

Sometimes the simplest things give you the most satisfaction.
Today I had been doing some chores around the house and I noticed that a vine in my flower bed had been blown by the wind.  Hard to explain but the vines had wires to assist in holding them up.  The wires had snapped so I thought, I can fix this.
I found the extension latter, yes extension.  I put it up against the house and fixed the wire.  It was higher than I thought it was gonna be and a little scary BUT it felt good to fix it by myself.  No help from anyone.

It's nice to know you can be independent.  The feeling of accomplishing even such small things. 
Why is that?

So in the wake of this I got the bright idea that this weekend I'm gonna try plumbing. Yes from baby steps to leaps... go big or go home.

On to home depot in the plumbing isle on Sunday.  I will try to find out and fix what is wrong with one of my toilets. 

To be continued.....LOL   

Happy Memorial Day

Happy Memorial Day
So usually my holidays are spent cooking out for friends and family.  I enjoy entertaining and having people over kept my headaches to a min.
These days things are not so easy.  My friends are not in the same place they were before.  And as for family, well its half of what it used to be. 
Hanging out with my family almost is too much at times.  I know they mean well but mine and my sisters divorce is playing havoc on my parents.  They are so worried all the time and not themselves. 
I hate to say it but I really want to just disappear these days and not deal with them. 
Today I have to go over there and see them, I know what they are gonna want to talk about.
People don 't realize that I don't need to talk about my  personal life 24 / 7.
Anyway, I do miss the idea of a relaxing day spent cooking and having a few drinks.  Will those days ever be again or do I need to find a new tradition?

life is good

I just felt I needed to say this because my last post was SOOOO depressing. 

MY LIFE IS GOOD!!!!

Yes not everything has worked out my way BUT
I have never really wanted for anything except for something extravagant
I have never had to go without
I am healthy
I am pretty or beautiful as I am told
I am smart, and there is ALWAYS plenty of work.
Work= money= shopping, nights out and vacations.
It sounds petty but that's what I do... shop go out and go on vacations. 

I strangely enough have been unlucky in the relationship department.  I have had many but for some reason when a man gets around me they seem to fall apart???  Is it cause they know I can handle everything??

Here's to breaking that cycle!  Good man+ Laura = EVERYTHING!!

I have great friends.  Just went to dinner with one last night.  We have summer plans that will be so fun I won't know what to do with myself.  YIKES. 

Off to work, new building.  Told you never enough work hours, right now if I worked all the hours each building wanted me I would be working about 80-90 hours a week.... I'm not that crazy.

do you believe in signs?

So I know I have touched on this before but sometimes it is just overwhelming.  Signs that is, coincidences.

Tonight I promised someone I would go with them tomorrow and I am happy to. 
So I decided to read tomorrows (May 26th) poem tonight since I will be up early and have a busy day.
Then I watched a show that I have DVR'd last week.  Talk about feeling like things are connected.

This is something I don't talk about really, its easier that way and the topic makes people VERY uncomfortable. 
BUT since no one reads this really I will take the time to write it hoping that it will help.

I am now 36 and tried for at least 5 years to get pregnant.  I did not. 
I have come to terms with this mostly but still have my moments.  The show I watched really brought the usual bad feelings to the foremost of my thoughts so here they are...

Sometime I try really hard to figure out what horrible thing I did wrong that I am being punished by not having children.
I think I would be a good mom.  I would do anything for my child and raise them right.
I used to imagine teaching them how to cook and making them birthday cakes.  I still do think about it???
If I had a girl I would teach her how to play basketball so she wasn't too girly
If I had a boy I would make sure he respected women (and teach him basketball, LOL)
I would give them chores and teach them about work ethic.
I would let them dig in the dirt to appreciate the basics.
Mostly I would let them know they are loved and they can do anything!

Most days its easier now, I like to think in somewhat "delusional" trains of thought, like I will do these things with my niece and it will be the same (knowing it will not)
The hard days are when my niece is around and she falls or is tired.  Those times when the only person in the world that makes everything okay is mom.
No one will ever call me mom, that is the empty part.  Nothing will ever fill that space.  Nothing will ever mend that part of my heart. 
People always try to say.  Maybe you will meet someone that has kids, maybe you will still have kids.  I know they mean well so I tell them maybe.  Its just easier that way.

I know I should be happy for what I do have, and I am.  But as I said before there are times. 
The times are getting shorter and farther apart but I doubt they will ever be gone completely. 
I blame myself a lot.
If I would have made smarter decisions and not wasted time....IF.....IF....IF.
Some people don't understand why I treat my animals like babies.  But right now as I sit here trying to see through my tears and write this, Oliver, my cat is laying next to me and just put his head on my leg and looked an me a meowed.  I think he knows when I am sad and when I need someone. 
He is my baby and he loves me.  He would say mom if he could so....

If you are not an animal person or just an asshole I'm sure this sounds pathetic but if you are someone that is in the same position as me....

I'm sorry, I m sorry you have to go through this and no one with children will ever understand. 
Yes they are the ones you want to hurt when they make statements like "kids aren't always that great anyway" or "your lucky to not be tied down".  
Why not just say, that sucks, I'm sorry!

So no more sadness for me tonight, as my book says...
"Look with your sad eyes on things new to you that will give you something to do with your sadness"

Questions

These days I am FULL of questions.

I guess its probably natural.  I had always thought of myself as logical.  I always thought that it was a better way to be, these days I'm not so sure about that.  So here are some of my questions....

Heart vs Head.... is this kind of like head vs gut.  Cause if so they say you should always listen to your gut. 
If that is the case, I have been listening with my head and not my heart.  Since that hasn't been working should I change to heart??

Some might say there is a happy medium.  But when it comes down to it, one wins out and it just depends on which one is the loudest.

See, my head is telling me I am crazy for the thoughts I have been having.  The decisions I am leaning toward making. 
But my heart tells me I will finally be making a good choice, it is screaming for me to listen.  I want to, I don't know right now if I even have a choice.  My heart has never spoke this loud. 

Well we are on this subject, here is my next question....

Is love so powerful that when it happens there is no stopping it?
I have been discussing this with a friend recently.  We have been trying to decide if there are different levels of love and do you find those levels at different times in your life.  Is everyone lucky enough to find the ultimate level if there is one.  So what is the ultimate level of love?

I hope to let you all know!   LOL 

finding new love

So I have now been separated for 6 months just waiting on my divorce to be finalized. 
People are talking about dating with me.  I have some reservations on what I need to do.

YES I want to have fun and dating can be fun.
YES I know that I should look around see what is out there.

So here is the question..... 
IF I find someone and it's sooner that later and this person makes me happy am I silly if I don't keep looking?
Who says you have to go through 5 or 10 people first.
So in saying that... I think I am going to try to "be one with the universe" and let myself be free and the answer will find me...
When and if I find that person if I am supposed to be with them the universe will lead me back to them over and over right???? 
I guess I am worried that I will think its the universe when really it's me leading myself back. 

Update

SOOO much has happened since last post.

First I went on an amazing vacation.  It was the most enjoyable vacation I have taken. 
I had a relaxing, fun and eventful vacation.  With NO DRAMA!!!  and though I will not say much I will say my vacation did involve a serious mending of my heart.

Also on Saturday I had dinner with friends for our usual dinner and my BDay.  A friend I haven't seen in 4 months came.  It was nice to see him.  I am glad he is doing well and hope he will come back to see us again soon.  My very considerate and supportive friends got me a kindle and a gift card to buy books.  Love it.

I also go a book from my philosophy friend.  The book of Awakening.   I am really getting into this universe is connected thing and have very much enjoyed  the first 3 days I have read.  I actually may pass on her tradition to give this book to friends.  I might go get it for my sister too!

I am very excited for this summer, I have a feeling it is going to be a very enlightening time for me.  I plan to get to know what makes me happy and go for it!!

pinch me

I couldn't be happier right now!  Well I could be but I can't be greedy...

I have so many good things going on in my life.  Earlier I posted that in the middle of crazy things I felt at peace...  Well I still do.

I am really owning this positive outlook thing.  I don't know why Pippi didn't introduce me to this before, LOL
I wish I could tell my secrets but I can't... not yet anyway.

I have to say I have had to slack on the workout thing this week but I know I will be back in soon, work is taking a lot of my time this last week.  My workout friend will get me back on track, always has my best interest in mind.  Physically and mentally.  I am at the point in workout that I just want more, I expect more from myself, I want to keep getting better and better.  I am looking forward to starting a new workout soon, my workout friend is going to "train me"  not all the time but just to push me and mix it up...  Scary but fun!

Work, well there is just sooooo much going on I will just leave it at that.

BUT I really wish I could express this feeling I have.  People close to me tell me I just seem so happy these days that when I'm around they can't help but be happy with me....  its nice, refreshing.  So pinch me, I must be dreaming!

I'm gonna sit and enjoy my happiness, savor it, relax with it, breath it in as deep as I can!!

happy easter

Spent the day with the family.  Mom, dad, sister and niece.
This was a very peaceful holiday.  Had good food and some fun conversation.  Enjoyed a little of the nice weather.  Home for a early bed time... looking forward to some serious sleep.  Feel like I need to catch up!

My life

Today I feel at peace.  Somehow in the middle of all this caous in my life, lawyers and an ex husband.  Grandparent drama, sister drama (divorce also).  I feel at peace.

My decision is what is right for me.  I am happy, I am healthy and I have a future.
I am no longer guessing or hoping that at the end of the day something stable is waiting for me.  I know what is waiting for me.... me.  Whatever I want for me. 

I know this sounds selfish but really if I am a better me now then how could it be the wrong answer.

I breath a clean and free breath.  I have so many things I am waiting to do, waiting to be a part of.  I can't wait for my life to be what I want it to be. 

I once almost gave up, I almost said this is it.  It doesn't matter that I don't want this, it is what I have, I need to be happy with it.  I'm not sure when I started thinking like that but I'm glad I don't anymore.

Having a glass of wine, Here's to me!  Here's to my life!

BREATH

UGH!!!
The last 24 hours have been challenging!
I am a little fragile right now and some of the people I turn to for support are not used to it.  They have been making me feel under attack.  I feel enough of that from the ex.  I don't need it from anyone else!

Then the ex thinks hes funny.  He is pranking me from a blocked number????  GEE I wonder who is calling me at 3 am for and hour.  I think he averaged 40 calls last night.  Little does he know I needed an early start to my day anyway!  Thanks ASSHOLE.

However halfway through my day I hit the wall.   Not the tired one the stop asking me for things one.
I wanted to quit the building I was at, imagine.... well your honor I can't pay him that much because I had to quit my job with all the stress and lethargy he was causing.  Now here is my counter suit for lost wages..   LOL......wouldn't that piss him off.   That would be great!   He would never see it coming.  I wonder if its possible????  HMMMM      Must put this on the ask the lawyer list.

So I had to take a sanity pit stop between buildings.  I spoke to the best listener I know (also my only reader these days which is okay with me).... THANKS PIPPI.
I also text one of the people I was fighting with over the ex....we seem better to day.  I have no more room for fights right now.

I wonder if I can get out for dinner with a friend, have a drink.... That would be great!!

Ok, back to work I go!!

Think positive

So I am trying to be the bigger person, for many things.

I am trying to take my friends advice and live by the philosophy of the universe is connected. 
If you think happy thoughts good things come to you.

I am doing this at work.  Trying not to get involved in all the gossip and silliness that is going on, keeping my focus on what needs to be done not who is or isn't doing what.
Let me tell you, not so easy where I work cause there are SOOOO many not doing what they are supposed to.

In my personal life I chose after my divorce papers came with a huge shock in them not to call my ex and give him a piece of my mind but to focus on what needs to be done and whats good.
So I went with my friends to the wine expo, fun.
Cleaned my house, love a clean house.
Talked with my sister, she needs an ear.
Now I'm planning to work out.
Sitting and dwelling on the bad would only make me regret all the things I did not get done!

I am also trying this with my friends.   Not so easy these days as well.  But I will go no further into that since they may read this...LOL.  I don't want to have to explain anything these days and by that I mean, if I wanted to discuss the negative feelings I have I would.  BUT I am choosing to over look the things that are driving me crazy and smile....

I am feeling good, not dwelling on negative.  Maybe there is something to this after all!!!

Really

OK so the work REALLY has 2 meanings for me at this time.

1st...  I got my divorce papers in the mail today.  You have to be kidding.  My lovely soon to be ex.... thank god is asking for spousal support.   REALLY
So lets review....

He worked for his family, I say the word worked loosely.  As I found out early into our marriage but conveniently not before that he tended to not go to work. 
He didn't have a drivers license for years... and still does not.  This is another fact I did not know.   Who would have thought that someone that drives a car doesn't have a license.  (2 DUI's)
His family business fell apart after our marriage and purchase of our new whom (Which I worked 70 hours a week for while he drank and played cards).... yes I feel like a dumb ass now. 
I was silly and young and thought I could fix him.  
Ladies... DO NOT TRY.  You can't fix anyone!!! 
So next, he basically didn't work more than a few hours a week.  Soooo, I paid 90% of the bills well he cooked and cleaned.  This got old fast but I tried to support him, worried if I didn't he would go off the deep end and also hoping he would get sick of the excuses from the family business and get his ass a new job.

When I finally said enough, he left, he moved in with mom and shut down the business....
He then had the nerve to complain he didn 't have a job....  Again REALLY.
Now he wants me to pay for him to live in the house "we" bought.  FAT CHANCE LAZY ASS.

I am wondering when he will grow up and be a man.... NEVER.  I am hoping NO judge is stupid enough to make the mistake for letting him get away with this crap!

Enough about number 1...

2 meaning.... sorry this one is an inside joke a friend told me.... but its funny and I need to laugh!

Nite

Catch up

Well its been a long time since I last wrote.  Not that things have been dull.  Just the opposite.  I have had a lot going on and a lot on my mind but come to find out that you shouldn't tell some people close to you about your blog cause then it causes problems.  Go figure, here I am trying to figure things out in my mind and somehow it is about everyone else!

So I feel safe these days that no one is reading and I can again put my thoughts down.

So I am 3 months into separation and STILL working on divorce.  The good news is things are going calm.  I just had to wait until he got it... or at least started to get it.  He still has hope and though I hate to crush people I have determined that it is better to be upfront and yes sometimes harsh vs leading him on. 

So the commotion with my friends seems to have settle down a bit.  Thank god.  Dinner nights are great!
Looking forward to this week.

Planning a vacation.  Looking forward to my new bathing suit!!

That's it for now! 

Finding peace

I think this can mean something different to everyone of course but also something different at specific times in your life!

What does this mean to me right now????

1.  Knowing the decision I made to end my marriage is right for me.... yes.
2.  Knowing I am on track with improving my life.... yes.
3.  Being supportive of my friends and not judging them for their actions.... yes.
4.  Being open to new friends and experiences to improve my life...yes.
5.  Knowing that I will not repeat the same mistakes I have made in the past...this one is ongoing and needs to be reviewed at all times.

So on that I have been very busy....
I started a new ab workout.
I have been spending time with my friends, went to see circ de sole... think that's the right spelling...???
I have hung out with some "new" friends and will try to spend more time with them soon.

I think its sooo important to me to find peace because for so many years now I have been living in caos with all that was happening.  It seemed as if one problem would get solved and there was another one.  Yes I know that's what happens, life is not perfect or easy but the problems that had to be dealt with were brought on by someones actions so technically I should never have had to deal with them if not for you know who!
I do feel at peace these days... I am thankful for that and plan to keep it that way!

Happy new life

What a week and its not over.  Yikes!
So this week was full of ups and downs.  I am actually surprised at how peaceful today was.  This was the day I have been dreading the most.....
It is my wedding anniversary.  I was waiting for insane rude texts all day.  Surprise only a few random fake texts.  Thank god.  I am so over this process.
On another note...
I have a close friend that I talk with daily.  They are going through a lot of the same stuff I am going through but have been for much longer.  I find so much peace talking with this friend and I am grateful everyday for the chance to share my feelings.  I normally do not open up to someone so much but these days the people I think I am going to lean on are not the ones I actually do lean on. 

I am looking forward to this weekend I have big plans out with a group of friends.  I can only hope the rest of this week will go as smooth as the beginning.  So here is to a fresh start on a day I should be celebrating a a comfortable place.

All things heal

So once again I get some wisdom from a TV show.  Today's is just what I said in the title....

In time all things heal.  This is true. 
Well there are times we all feel like our hearts will never mend, they will.  We are strong we can move on. 

I once made a decision that when I think back to it, even I with all my knowledge and understanding of life and death as I deal with it daily, still have a hard time remembering that I really didn't make the decision.

I was there when a family member was dying.  I knew they did not want to be resuscitated.  When I was asked to make the call, I let them go.  I still hurt when I think about it.  I, me- made the call to let someone I loved go.  But I know it was what they wanted so I really only followed what they had said.  I really only took what I was given.... information and a situation and applied it.  At the time it was actually an easy call to make.  It is when it was over and I had time for my heart to get involved that I started to hurt.

So I guess when people say should I listen to my heart or my head?  The real answer is if you choose your head you will still one day have to listen to your heart.
I'm not sure if it works the other way as I am someone that I think listens and makes a choice with my head, I am logical.  I know sooner or later my heart will speak but, if I know I made the smart decision the one that makes sense my heart will heal.

Some may say that you need to make decisions with your heart, my feeling is my heart is not smart so if I make a decision based on emotion won't I continue to make more wrong choices?

Productive me

So this is neither insightful or meaningful but who could possibly have that much to say EVERYDAY?
Today was a me day!!!
Worked out
Productive work day
Talked to most of my close friends at some point
Got tortured, oh I mean a bikini wax by this lady that I think taught torture techniques in a Koren prison. 
    Ladies you know what I mean......
Tanned
and sorry to say but worked out again!

Yes even I made myself a little nauseous today.  Lets see how many days I can keep this up.  LOL

Heres to Change!

So I spent Superbowl night with some old friends.  I had a good time.  It was a bit uncomfortable at times at first.  Some times when you haven't seen people in years you are a little worried that you no longer have anything in common.  While that was slightly true last night, we still had catching up to do.   So here I am thinking I have such a sad story to tell... Ive never had kids, I'm getting divorced....  boy I was not alone.

The sad stories seemed to be in plenty last night.  Thus the uncomfortable times of the night.  I got this strange feeling that while everyone was out and having fun overall this group of people definately is not the group it used to be.  The group in a whole appeared somewhat sad or depressed.  Life had not been easy for most of them.   When you haven't seen people in years and they have absolutely NOTHING good to report it really makes you take a look at yourself.  I haven't had everything so easy  but I have good things to report.  Things I do that are fun and interesting.  Places I have been that stand out to me.  This makes me feel good.  I have managed to live my life meaningful over the years and I am worried that not all my old friends have been able to do this.  I have so many great memories of these people.  So many times when we just laughed for hours.  We all seemed to understand each other and easily fit together as friends.

I'm not so sure I fit anymore.  At least not with all of them.  But that's okay with me.  I will continue to stay in touch with them and maybe one day again this will be the happy group I used to know.  Maybe I will be able to help some of them live life a little more freely. 

So I guess what I am saying is again a decision I made to venturing outside of what I knew and what was comfortable has appeared to help me.  Leaving a close group of friends brought me to a new place and a new group with a completely different life, lifestyle and out look.  This gives me even more excitement that my new venture will bring about even more diversity and good time to my life. Here to change!

Im back

I'm back, I have Internet connection again.  Oh the horror.  It has been snowy and I have had time off yet I have had no access to the Internet.  Yikes I know.  So I have rigged something, still not sure what happened with my connection but at least I have a temporary connection.
Soooo much has happened.

This week has given me some ups and downs.  I had my first face to face interaction with my soon to be ex.  I was unsure how to feel.  I was not immediately sad.  I was actually confused. But that confusion soon turned into a reassuring anger when he decided his new way to get back together would be to threaten me that he was going to take 1/2 of my "assets".  Really this is how you want your relationship....
I know you don't want to be with me but as long as I can hold you hostage I'm good.  I don't think so.

Based on this behavior I had a reassuring thought.  I am getting a fresh start soon.  I have so many opportunities coming up I can't help but imagine my life will be full.   Full of fun and good things not crap and deception!

I had dinner with my friends on Friday.  FUN FUN FUN.  We went to Vincentes in Detroit.  I have been there once before and the food is good, the atmosphere is great.  They have salsa dancing on Fridays.  It looks like sooo much fun we decided we should take lessons.  I am looking for some, I can't wait!  I would love to go back to Vincentes and be able to get out on the floor and look like I know what I am doing.  You can read about dinner on adventuresindetroitdining.com

There is more to tell but unfortunately I have to get up and get to the snow.  I am really done with snow, maybe I should just research vacations instead.

Frustrated

This is the best word to describe me these days.  FRUSTRATED.
Frustrated at work:
No one does their work in a timely manner and this effects my work
No one wants to hear what the problems are if they involve them doing ANYTHING
Expectations and solutions that are unrealistic

I have 3 buildings I work at:
1 of them everyone is mad, hates the place and thinks they are getting fired any day. 
What a great atmosphere!
1 has no right to even be open (really)
1 has a bunch of lazy people that like to cover up all the things that are not being done, ugh. 
Why hire me if as the "expert" if you don't want to know!

At home I am frustrated with this divorce crap.  Can't I just click my heels and its done?  If only.

One frustration just leads to the next.  I would just be happy if at least 1 thing got solved.  Sometimes I think I expect too much from people and this leads to my frustration but why not people expect way more from me than I expect from them

I have decided maybe I should take a vow of silence.  Then I cut down on interaction with stupid, boring lazy people!

PS ... I work with more of those than should be allowed in 1 place at a time.  There really should be a stupid limit.  How would we decide what the limit is?  I like this rule. 

Real Relationships

So I have had a busy week.  I saw a friend last night I haven't seen in years.  We clicked like we never skipped a beat.  It was good to see her and talk with her.  I am glad that we got to catch up and I'm looking forward to seeing her again. 
Unfortunately she is having some hard times in her life as well.  It seems to be the trend these days.  It got me thinking. 
Is there really a relationship out there that is working?  I know everyone has ups and downs but it just doesn't seem like I know anyone that is in a relationship that BOTH people are happy and BOTH people think the other one is fine the way they are.
I guess what it is teaching me is that a lot of people fall in love and over look some BIG things that through time just keep getting bigger and bigger until they are so big one person cannot see around the issue to see the other person.  The odd thing is the other person never seems to see the issue at all....????
So why do we do this to ourselves?
Are we sooo in a hurry we say this one will do?
Are we sooo in love we think that will fix everything?

Who knows.  If you think you do please share.

All I know is I will need to find someone that doesn't have anything big that needs to be fixed or I would rather be alone.

I wonder if anyone thinks I need to be fixed?

Fear

Fear, its what keep us from change.  But It is also what makes up change.

I work in a Rehab Center/Nursing home.  Sometimes someone I meet makes a big impact on me and brings out some emotions you try to keep underneath.
So today I met an 83 year old man.  He told me a story of how he was married for 47 years.  His wife died from cancer at 60.  He had tears in his eyes when he spoke about her.  It was obviously sad.
Then he told me the second half of the story.  When he was in the war he was in a POW in Germany.  He was released and not sure why but stayed there for a year and a half.  During this time he had met a girl at the dance hall.  He wanted her to come back with him but her mother said no.
After his wife died he went back to Germany to see family (he is from their but lived in America most of his life).  He drove by his old girlfriends house.  She had moved a year before but a neighbor had her phone number.  She called her and he spoke only one sentence, she knew instantly who he was, it had been 60 years.  They agreed to meet.  It turned out she was divorced and alone.  They now live together and are married. 
The thing I remember most about this story is the emotion is his face.
See a fear of mine is that I have not had children and unless some miracle happens I will not.  So what happens when I have to face the death of my parents or what happens when I am old and not well.  Who will talk with such emotion about me?  Who will feel that much love and stand by my side?  Who will stand by my husbands side?
I fear this for everyone as all to often I see people just sit, alone waiting for it all to end.  This isn't always a quick process and lets face it extended family is rarely involved, we just don't do those things as a culture. 

So is the answer to make a choice not based on fear?  Or is the answer to pick what I fear less?
Who knows.... don't get me wrong this hasn't changed my mind.  Just today was one of those days, you meet someone and they make an impact. 

Thank you to the man in the story.

Secrets are toxic

So who would have thought such wisdom would be found in a TV show?  On Bones it was said that secrets among friends are toxic.  Does that mean all secrets?

In my experience you have to filter the truth.  Most people are not able to handle 100% of the truth.  So if you tell the truth to your friends you have to think some things through...

Who does it benefit if they know 100% how you feel?
Will it change the outcome of what is happening?
Will it just cause more hurt than good?

My thought is sometimes telling the truth is only beneficially to the one telling it, not the ones hearing it and if this person is truly your friend you should be more worried about hurting them than releasing your own thoughts.
On the other hand there are times when you can't stand by without speaking the truth and it should be worth it in the end... the end may be a long ways away but one day that friend will understand that you had their best interest in mind even if it didn't feel that way at the time.

Where is all this coming from?  A couple places. 
1.  I have a circle of friends that is falling apart because everyone is seeing only their side of the story.  No one is trying to see that each of them has a reason for feeling the way they do and none of them may be wrong.
What is wrong is when you discount your friends feeling to make it easier on yourself.  Only those involved know when that line is being crossed.

2.  I have my own truths I am wrestling with.  I have so many feelings circling in my head it is hard to know what is going on.  At this point in time I'm not sure I can say that I even know what is true.  I guess only time will tell and hopefully in that time I don't go crazy

So in the end the truth hurts and so does a lie.  You have to ask yourself and be honest. 
Do you want people to lie to you?  If so you can't get mad when you find out the truth.
Do you want people to tell you the truth?   If so you can't get mad when you hear it.

For me... I want the truth.  I will respect you more and be able to make a honest decision for myself. 
Again I think most people think they want to truth but can really only handle the lie.  To bad they don't see it and they blame others for this.

Life lessons

This has been a good weekend.  I have a lot of things I want to share swirling around in my head too.  Where do I start and how long winded should I get is the question.

I always knew I was a strong person, sometimes I almost think I'm too strong.  I almost think life would be easier if I was weaker.  Less outspoken.
Why???
I think I push my self SOOOO hard sometimes because I know I can with stand so much.  But am I doing myself any favors by pushing so hard?  I guess the answer must me yes.  After all I am where I am today only because of that.  I think to many people take the easy way out because they think something is too hard or they won't succeed.  I may not do something great or be the most successful but I am not going to let that dictate my decisions!
We will make it though anything... The saying it's not gonna kill you is pretty much the truth.  So not taking the chance is just crazy.  No, I don't have all the answers or so I am lonely for a couple days but at the end of that journey I will have done something, met someone or had an experience I would not have otherwise had and isn't that what life is about, experiences.

I think our parents generation thought life was about marriage, kids and a house.  I think we realize its more.  Who comes to your house, whose houses do you visit.  What do you take from those visits?
Each of my friends has a different perspective to offer and each teaches me something I may not have learned on my own I am a better person for what I learn. 

This is one thing I am learning these days....
I lost myself for a while and I am getting to know myself again but it's not the old me it's the new wiser me.  The one who soaks up what she can, gets what she needs from the moment and uses that for the times when there is nothing.  Take the laughs when they are there, the tears when you need to and make sure you appreciate them both equally.

Philosophy

People keep asking me if I'm okay.  I know they expect me to be a little more sad, I'm either in serious denial or as 1 of my friends says I have been dealing with my marriage being "over" for the last 2 years so the actual separation of living under the same room is the only thing I'm dealing with now and being "alone" is not as scary to me as it is to a lot of people. I'm sure that there will be a time, god knows when it will be, that I will sit and say.  Wow it sucks to be in this house alone so much.  I'm thinking it will be the summer time when the days are longer and I want to sit outside but that just invites my neighbors to ask the many burning questions that my friends don't need to ask.  The questions can actually be what make you feel alone sometimes....
Speaking of being alone.  I recently learned a friend of mine would never have considered herself as happy... This really was a surprise to me.  I think everyone that knew her would say in general she seemed happy, so my question is why did she think she wasn't?  My only guess is she didn't ever have a man in her life and really started to realize that having a relationship was something she wanted... its natural to want to share your life and while you can share it with friends and family there is something different about sharing it with someone you are in love with. 
Isn't this the whole Maslow's hierarchy of needs thing??? Its been a while but maybe I should brush up on
that whole theory.
I'm thinking it's something like
Basic: Food, water, shelter ( it's a check so far)
Safety:  This one is tricky... I don't feel unsafe but I don't remember if this has an actual different meaning
Mental (or something like that): again I think I've got that down but waiting for the big boo hoo breakdown
Self:  I like to think that I am working on that both personal and at work
Not sure what the last one was...
Any psych majors reading that can help???  LOL.  Since I already know the answer to that I will say no but I'm sure my good friend the philosopher will help out if she ever gets to reading this... JK you know I love you!

Okay so I have work to do, find out where I am on the hierarchy of needs list...

BUSY

Wow what a day.
So I am focusing on the good right! 

I had a meeting at one of my buildings today and it went good.
I made a dessert that everyone liked.
I still have a job...LOL
I talked to my husband and we were civil.

So here's what didn't go so good:
I didn't get all the work done I planned.
The state walked into another building and the surveyor I have to deal with sounds new...not good.
I no longer get Friday off.  (state)
I didn't get to make the calls I needed to.
I didn't work out.

So what stood out to me...  My time in the elevator.  If you have to ask never mind!

I am looking forward to my weekend plans.  Should be lots of fun.  I need some fun.


 

I have a new goal

I have been concentrating so much on my mental well being I have neglected my... bum.

I was working out 30 min a day on the treadclimer, doing an ab routine, push ups and 200 squats-5 times a week.  Lately I have not worked out more than once a week.  Thank god I have still lost weight but I need to get back into toning up...

Thus my new goal is to be able to wear a Victoria Secrets cheeckies bathing suit this summer and not look like a 36 year old...

I have to admit I am enjoying my weight loss.  Last week I was working and a lady asked me when I was going to turn 30.  Really... she was shocked when I told her I am 35.  She said that I looked older when I was heavier but that since I lost weight she thought maybe she had just judged my age wrong.....YEAH!

Since I go into work late tomorrow... I have made a promise to myself and my work out coach that I will work out in the AM.   Here's to my work out coach who always knows when to ask if I have been working out and when to give me my slacking space. 

PS... Lulu said I have a nice butt.... I knew she was my best friend!  LOL

Feeling Good

I have to tell you I'm getting the hang of this "single life".  I am feeling very relaxed and energized at the same time.  I feel as if I am looking at things in a new way... this is what I wanted. I guess I'm just surprised I have been able to transition to this so easily.  I still have some guilty feelings about that but overall today I am sure that the decisions I have made are the right ones for me.

I will be okay, I will be happier, I will come out of this for the better!

Old Friends

So I decided to reach out to an old friend I haven't talked to in years.  I actually thought something had happened between us that I was not aware of since we seemed to just halt all ties one day for no reason.  Turns out it was just life, busy for everyone and sometimes schedules just get to be too much and we have to slow down.
I am excited to see this friend, we had a lot of good times.
I am hoping this is another step to moving on...
Just seems strange that a step to moving forward is actually backward.  I'm a little worried that I am just reaching for familiar and it will slow me down with moving forward or cause me to stay in comfort mode.

See I'm not trying to say I have to erase everything about my old life or current life but I need some change, more than just who I am living with.  I need a new perspective or approach...yes I'm going back to snow.
So maybe my old friend  will be a way for me to connect to a new friend or even a new place, hobby ya never know right!

My plan is to go see my friend, enjoy catching up and just be happy with what it is...  stop planning Scarlet!

Nothing to report

Not really sure what to tell you today.

It was kind of just a day.   Nothing to crazy has happened....
No overwhelming feelings of guilt today.... good.
Saw a friend that means a lot to me today.... good.
Have plans I am looking forward to this weekend....good.
Lost a few pounds....always good.
No battles at work.... I'm a little sadistic and like to battle at times... oops.
Made a crazy person a little more crazy....fun.  LOL
Going to bed early... that's okay, I will get up early and work out, get some things accomplished.  Not every night can be a late night, we are getting older after all.

 So goodnight, I'm gonna have sweet dreams, hope you do to!

PS... Hope Lulu gets a kiss tonight!

Overwhelmed

So I knew these moments would come but now that I am having one it is driving me crazy.

I feel this insanely overwhelming feeling that I am doing the wrong thing.  Yes I'm talking about the divorce.  I can't figure out why....
I can think it through and it all makes sense.  I have given sooo much of myself to someone that is not making an effort to change the worst part of himself.  He only tries to make up for himself by concentrating on the good.  Now normally I would say OK, at least he is trying to make up for things.  BUT his few bad things carry some serious weight.
So if leaving all makes sense then what is with this feeling?
Is it a right a passage we all go through?
Who has the answer?
How long will this last?....  I want to scream right now, I want it gone!
I have to admit this weekend is scaring the crap out of me.  I think, no feel like we will have some encounter that I need to be strong for but I have virtually no plans for the weekend and this feeling. 

I need one of those women's anthem's playing over and over in my head (any suggestions?).  Maybe I should escape for the weekend.  Not a bad idea but who would take care of my babies?  (The cats)

I know I can't run.  Deal with it, find some strength and face this head on.  I will be better for it, blah, blah, blah. 

Sick

So I was so sick yesterday I couldn't post anything.  Being sick really sucks but it also made me a little sad.

See the husband I have been complaining about was good a taking care of me when I was sick. I have these habits he understands, let me walk you through it..

I get up an go to lay on the couch cause I CANNOT stay in be for 24 hours.  Normally he will carry all my stuff for me... nope I had to make 2 painful trips, 2 cause I had to carry my trash can with me in case.

I always get 1 blanket to lay with once I lay down even if I'm cold I just deal with it cause I don't want to move again.  He always asks if I need another blanket but gets me one no matter what... Yesterday I was cold ALL morning until I was forced to get up to answer the door than got  another blanket.

When I'm sick on only like a few things to eat and drink (red jell-o, red crystal light, Mrs. Grass chicken soup, maybe if I'm brave toast with cinnamon and sugar)... no one else know this, hell no one else is there to get me these things.  Will someone else find these things silly and will they learn them.   They are really easy but if I am sick and we don't have them will they go get them without me asking?

So these are silly things but they are me and he knows them and appreciates them.  Part of me misses him today.  I wish I could tell him this but I can't because it wouldn't be fair, it would confuse him.  So I will just keep these things as something I can remember about him that is good.  He is a good person he just has very bad habits. 

Snow

The snow gave me so much today, kind of crazy when I think about it.  I didn't ask for it, not sure I wanted it but I got it and accepted it, what else could I do?

On my way out of work it was fresh and glittering it was beautiful.  I thought to myself why do I always say I hate the snow.  How could you hate something that looks like this?
On the LONG drive home it was a pain in the ass and pushed me around the road, somehow I only passed 1 accident.
At home I had to shovel, though I haven't shoveled in a long time it felt good, helped relieve the stress of my day and set my mind at ease.

So the snow in a matter of 4 hours gave me everything from beauty to back ache...lol, without me asking and without me thinking if I would allow it to do these things.

So i am wondering....  Is there a way to live your life like everything is snow?
Let it come, don't think you can control it....
Deal with it the best way you can, and appreciate what it has done for you that day...

After all you can worry about what to do but can you really control it?  So is all that worry worth it?
Sounds good BUT I'm a control freak and I have serious doubts I will ever be able to live my life this way.... So I guess I will just appreciate the moments when I can and learn to recognize them be it snow or anything else!

Lets get ready to rumble!!!!!

Well let the mental warfare begin.  I was in a texting/phone war with the husband today... went kind of like this...

He calls the house, sneaky (no caller ID, yes I know its 2011)... wants to know why we haven't talked in a month.  I once again explain this is not about the day to day life but the big picture... ie the habits he has that I don't want in my life and that have caused ALL out problems at this time.   He then tells me he has a lawyer... ok I say.  After some idol threats from him we hang up.

Since this has not worked in his favor he now texts me he loves and misses me.... later can we get marriage counseling.
I text, we don't need marriage counseling you need substance abuse counseling and maybe a reality check.
Now the twilight zone.  He texts me not to slander him blah, blah, blah... really.  Does he think that these texts are gonna make a difference in court.  I don't want to be married to someone with his problems, I have stuck by him through more than my fair share. 
We go through about 10 more texts that flip between sad and angry then I finally say, sorry lets go back to not talking.

Do those that don't want the divorce really think this game is gonna work?
NEWS FLASH it just makes the other one more angry and wish it would be over with faster!!!

thanks

A big thanks to Lulu.... for all my followers...LOL.  Lulu has somehow broke some of the "widgets" I think that's what she said, but most importantly... tah dah I can now get comments!
So for those of you that have been holding it in and about to explode with advise, sarcasm or just a show of support please comment away.  Remember... you are not the only one that can read these so keep it on the DL with the info!
HA HA HA

truth hurts

I hate to outright hurt people but I guess there is just times you can't stop that.  Like divorce.  I have not talked to my husband about anything significant since he left the house which was technically before I asked him to leave.  I guess I was hoping he would realize with the distance and silence that I was serious about our relationship being over.  I think I was really hoping that would mean I didn't have to keep telling him its over. I feel like when you say the words you might as well cut the persons heart out.  No one wants to hear it, guess what no one really wants to say it.  Maybe that's what keeps some bad marriages together, no one whats to say the truth.  I personally have no problem with the truth, it may hurt but for a few but in the end its better than someone lying to you.

pillows

1/6/2011

LOVE THEM!!

Jealousy

1/5/11
Jealousy, not something I feel very often.  I usually am just happy for people and there success.  So in the last 24 hours I have felt serious jealousy and it caught me off guard.

1st was just a silly thing that I am embarrassed about and won't even go there!

The 2nd I will tell you about.  I have been thinking of a girl I was friends with through most of my school life.  We had a lot of things in common.  Career choices, places we wanted to live, cars we wanted to drive and things we wanted from our spouse.  Life "goals" in general.  So today I googled her and found her face book page.  No I don't have face book, I'm thinking about it. 
Anyway, she looked so much the same.  Very pretty and happy.  She has done almost all the things we wanted to do or maybe she has done them all!  The strange thing is last I knew her life was a lot like mine, now its completely different. 
She lives in Florida, has a good career with a professional husband.  It appears she is very happy.  When she lived here she was a teacher??? never a goal of hers and married to someone else.  So I am wondering when she made all these changes and it makes me feel excited about mine.  So yes I'm jealous she has done all we talked about, but not bad jealous.  I am very happy for her and feel getting back in touch with her may be a very good thing.  I think I will make this a goal of mine!

I also think think I will work on the 1st issue I am staying silent on.... well I plan to make many changes in my life acting like a nutcase isn't one of them!

Confidence

1/4/11  When does our confidence start to change.  When I was a teenager or young adult I had the great pleasure of being confident or arrogant enough to never second guess myself.  At what point in time do you start to wonder should I always be second guessing myself. 
Is it that with age comes wisdom? 
Is the wisdom in knowing you should always think things through? 
Is thinking things through second guessing yourself?

I feel 99% confident in my decision to leave my husband.  But I have a friend that often makes me wonder if I am on the right track.... Why?  I wonder sometimes if this friend has my best interest in mind or if they are so busy talking they don't even realize what they are saying. 
It may be the smallest comment that I read into, it may be the realization that expectations out there in the single world are something I never thought I wanted to deal with again.
I am seeing myself as less confident in all matters these days, work, personal life, finances.  This really bothers me.  I hope that this is just a phase.  Maybe when everything in your life is turning upside down you have no choice but to wonder....  Is this because of a bad decision I made before?  OR is this just life and I need to continue to make decisions best I can at the time and as long as I think logically and add some heart to the mix things will work out in the long run.
Sometimes I just want to say, no decisions today so don't put me in a spot where I have to decide.
I think this is why people become hermits...ha ha ha. 

Man Up

1/3/10
Okay I just have to say whether its work, your personal life or a goal if you didn't get it done....own it.  Stop blaming others for your lack of responsibility.  You will become a better person if you own up to your mistakes, if you realize you are not always perfect and its okay to admit it. 
I learned a while ago that If you don't own up to your mistakes or your "faults" you can't say that you have given anything your all.  This lesson will serve you well in all aspects of your life.  If you think your just lazy at work chances are your just kidding yourself.  Your lazy at home and in your personal life.

That's all I have for today.... lazy people have caused me a headache.  Scarlet needs to go to bed early!

Technology

1/2/2011
Love it or hate it?  I feel I have a love hate relationship with technology.  Why????  Well since I'm in the process of divorce I have to say that there are times I need to talk to my girls.  Well since NO ONE has a home phone these days that is not always possible.  Most people seem to have these huge dead zones in there house including myself.  But when you are in the need for a girl talk and the only thing you can do is text..... Hello are you out there, well there is not always an answer.  Most people don't carry their phones with them through the house so they don't know you text them until they check..... that can be a long time when you need to vent.
Lets review texting.
Pros:
Can have conversations while doing other things, no one can hear you!
Can have more than 1 conversation at a time without upsetting anyone.
Can talk to "ex" without talking.  Voices care much more emotion than a text.
Cons:
Did someone not see your text or are they choosing to ignore you?
Sometimes its nice to hear a voice.
People have time to think of the "right" answer.
Another technology complain is trying to figure out how to transfer my ipod library from 1 computer to another.  Is ipod a language that is a secret cause is seems like it. 

Anyway today was a day of cleaning.  Cleaning can be therapeutic.  I would like to think I was cleaning up the old to make room for the new.  New ideas, new thoughts, eventually new people.  I hate to refer to a person as the old cause I thought at a certain age I would never erase people out of my life.  I still hope that but I have to be realistic that my husband will probably never be able to be a part of my life after the divorce.  He won't move on and won't be able to see me move on so it will be better for little contact.
In the end, my house is close to the level of clean I like and I feel that I have accomplished another day, another task and today was a little easier.  Cross our fingers for tomorrow.

Happy New Year

NEW YEARS RESOLUTION!!!!!
Make choices for yourself that have your best interest first!

Sounds easy right.... So why haven't I made any decisions today?  No I'm not hung over, I think I'm stuck.  See right now I'm on day 10 without my husband.  We are in the beginning of divorce.  Yes I am the evil force behind this choice and yes even though I know its right, I need this, I am having a hard time figuring out where to start and what I have the strength for.  So today I am going to just be.  No decisions need to be made on the 1st day of this year right.  I would like to think I'm making the choice today to have a peaceful day and focus my thoughts to ensure I start the year out right.  I will work on strengthening myself today.  Its not easy to go from having someone around everyday good or bad to being alone.  The house seems bigger, colder and more quiet than ever.  So today nothing.... learn how to deal with nothing so when it happens again and it will I won't make the mistake of reaching for just anything to fill the void.  I will reach for what is in my best interest what brings me happiness and peace.