do you believe in signs?

So I know I have touched on this before but sometimes it is just overwhelming.  Signs that is, coincidences.

Tonight I promised someone I would go with them tomorrow and I am happy to. 
So I decided to read tomorrows (May 26th) poem tonight since I will be up early and have a busy day.
Then I watched a show that I have DVR'd last week.  Talk about feeling like things are connected.

This is something I don't talk about really, its easier that way and the topic makes people VERY uncomfortable. 
BUT since no one reads this really I will take the time to write it hoping that it will help.

I am now 36 and tried for at least 5 years to get pregnant.  I did not. 
I have come to terms with this mostly but still have my moments.  The show I watched really brought the usual bad feelings to the foremost of my thoughts so here they are...

Sometime I try really hard to figure out what horrible thing I did wrong that I am being punished by not having children.
I think I would be a good mom.  I would do anything for my child and raise them right.
I used to imagine teaching them how to cook and making them birthday cakes.  I still do think about it???
If I had a girl I would teach her how to play basketball so she wasn't too girly
If I had a boy I would make sure he respected women (and teach him basketball, LOL)
I would give them chores and teach them about work ethic.
I would let them dig in the dirt to appreciate the basics.
Mostly I would let them know they are loved and they can do anything!

Most days its easier now, I like to think in somewhat "delusional" trains of thought, like I will do these things with my niece and it will be the same (knowing it will not)
The hard days are when my niece is around and she falls or is tired.  Those times when the only person in the world that makes everything okay is mom.
No one will ever call me mom, that is the empty part.  Nothing will ever fill that space.  Nothing will ever mend that part of my heart. 
People always try to say.  Maybe you will meet someone that has kids, maybe you will still have kids.  I know they mean well so I tell them maybe.  Its just easier that way.

I know I should be happy for what I do have, and I am.  But as I said before there are times. 
The times are getting shorter and farther apart but I doubt they will ever be gone completely. 
I blame myself a lot.
If I would have made smarter decisions and not wasted time....IF.....IF....IF.
Some people don't understand why I treat my animals like babies.  But right now as I sit here trying to see through my tears and write this, Oliver, my cat is laying next to me and just put his head on my leg and looked an me a meowed.  I think he knows when I am sad and when I need someone. 
He is my baby and he loves me.  He would say mom if he could so....

If you are not an animal person or just an asshole I'm sure this sounds pathetic but if you are someone that is in the same position as me....

I'm sorry, I m sorry you have to go through this and no one with children will ever understand. 
Yes they are the ones you want to hurt when they make statements like "kids aren't always that great anyway" or "your lucky to not be tied down".  
Why not just say, that sucks, I'm sorry!

So no more sadness for me tonight, as my book says...
"Look with your sad eyes on things new to you that will give you something to do with your sadness"