Scattered

I feel like I was scattered all over the place again.  This time it was my ignorence or arigance.  Im not sure which one but, I was thrown for a loop or slapped in the face wtih the reality of my situation.

I let myself feel safe and in love, too soon I think.  I let my guard down.  I let my imagination and heart free.

I would say this is a good thing but Im just not ready to be wronged again or ready to be dissapointed.
I am not sure what to do really so I am just concentrating on me.
What do I have to do today to make it successful, what do I have to do to feel good?

This is the easy way to live these days.  The hard days are just ahead......

The person that has the potential to hurt me has been gone so it has been easy to act as if he wasnt ever here.
But he is almost back, I will have to see him almost every day.  This will be hard and I don't know what I want to do.  Do I want to continue this risk or stop it now?  How will I know?

Worse yet, what if he has already decided for me? 

I never thought this would happen so soon.  To become so attached.  To love like this so quickly.

Well here's to hoping it all works out! 

family

Recently my grandmother passed away.  She was my last grandparent and the link to my family.
My mothers family is mostly gone and what little is left is no where near us.
My fathers family is all around but if not for my grandma we would probably never see them.

This was not easy for me.  This just reminds me I am that much closer to loosing my own parents.  A thought I am not ready to contend with.  Again it reminds me how quickly time goes by.

I did not get to spend a lot of time with my grandma before she passed.  I regret not seeing her more, as I am sure most of us do.  I am happy she passed peacefully and will miss her very much.  She had her faults like we all do but she was giving.  She was funny too.  Especially as she got older, she let out more.  I can only imagine what she was like when she was young and spoke freely among her friends.
She was pretty.

I can't imagine those that grow up without grandparents or family at all.  How alone it must be. I am grateful that I had all my grandparents for so long. 

I think I never realized how separate my family was until recently.  I guess its because my ex's family was huge and I was involved in his so I didn't realize mine was so distant.

I spoke with my sister about trying to keep my family together, not sure how successful we will be. 
But for myself, this is a goal I will set.  It might not be the same tradition as before but I plan to put forth an effort to make better connections within my family.