Happy Memorial Day

Happy Memorial Day
So usually my holidays are spent cooking out for friends and family.  I enjoy entertaining and having people over kept my headaches to a min.
These days things are not so easy.  My friends are not in the same place they were before.  And as for family, well its half of what it used to be. 
Hanging out with my family almost is too much at times.  I know they mean well but mine and my sisters divorce is playing havoc on my parents.  They are so worried all the time and not themselves. 
I hate to say it but I really want to just disappear these days and not deal with them. 
Today I have to go over there and see them, I know what they are gonna want to talk about.
People don 't realize that I don't need to talk about my  personal life 24 / 7.
Anyway, I do miss the idea of a relaxing day spent cooking and having a few drinks.  Will those days ever be again or do I need to find a new tradition?

life is good

I just felt I needed to say this because my last post was SOOOO depressing. 

MY LIFE IS GOOD!!!!

Yes not everything has worked out my way BUT
I have never really wanted for anything except for something extravagant
I have never had to go without
I am healthy
I am pretty or beautiful as I am told
I am smart, and there is ALWAYS plenty of work.
Work= money= shopping, nights out and vacations.
It sounds petty but that's what I do... shop go out and go on vacations. 

I strangely enough have been unlucky in the relationship department.  I have had many but for some reason when a man gets around me they seem to fall apart???  Is it cause they know I can handle everything??

Here's to breaking that cycle!  Good man+ Laura = EVERYTHING!!

I have great friends.  Just went to dinner with one last night.  We have summer plans that will be so fun I won't know what to do with myself.  YIKES. 

Off to work, new building.  Told you never enough work hours, right now if I worked all the hours each building wanted me I would be working about 80-90 hours a week.... I'm not that crazy.

do you believe in signs?

So I know I have touched on this before but sometimes it is just overwhelming.  Signs that is, coincidences.

Tonight I promised someone I would go with them tomorrow and I am happy to. 
So I decided to read tomorrows (May 26th) poem tonight since I will be up early and have a busy day.
Then I watched a show that I have DVR'd last week.  Talk about feeling like things are connected.

This is something I don't talk about really, its easier that way and the topic makes people VERY uncomfortable. 
BUT since no one reads this really I will take the time to write it hoping that it will help.

I am now 36 and tried for at least 5 years to get pregnant.  I did not. 
I have come to terms with this mostly but still have my moments.  The show I watched really brought the usual bad feelings to the foremost of my thoughts so here they are...

Sometime I try really hard to figure out what horrible thing I did wrong that I am being punished by not having children.
I think I would be a good mom.  I would do anything for my child and raise them right.
I used to imagine teaching them how to cook and making them birthday cakes.  I still do think about it???
If I had a girl I would teach her how to play basketball so she wasn't too girly
If I had a boy I would make sure he respected women (and teach him basketball, LOL)
I would give them chores and teach them about work ethic.
I would let them dig in the dirt to appreciate the basics.
Mostly I would let them know they are loved and they can do anything!

Most days its easier now, I like to think in somewhat "delusional" trains of thought, like I will do these things with my niece and it will be the same (knowing it will not)
The hard days are when my niece is around and she falls or is tired.  Those times when the only person in the world that makes everything okay is mom.
No one will ever call me mom, that is the empty part.  Nothing will ever fill that space.  Nothing will ever mend that part of my heart. 
People always try to say.  Maybe you will meet someone that has kids, maybe you will still have kids.  I know they mean well so I tell them maybe.  Its just easier that way.

I know I should be happy for what I do have, and I am.  But as I said before there are times. 
The times are getting shorter and farther apart but I doubt they will ever be gone completely. 
I blame myself a lot.
If I would have made smarter decisions and not wasted time....IF.....IF....IF.
Some people don't understand why I treat my animals like babies.  But right now as I sit here trying to see through my tears and write this, Oliver, my cat is laying next to me and just put his head on my leg and looked an me a meowed.  I think he knows when I am sad and when I need someone. 
He is my baby and he loves me.  He would say mom if he could so....

If you are not an animal person or just an asshole I'm sure this sounds pathetic but if you are someone that is in the same position as me....

I'm sorry, I m sorry you have to go through this and no one with children will ever understand. 
Yes they are the ones you want to hurt when they make statements like "kids aren't always that great anyway" or "your lucky to not be tied down".  
Why not just say, that sucks, I'm sorry!

So no more sadness for me tonight, as my book says...
"Look with your sad eyes on things new to you that will give you something to do with your sadness"

Questions

These days I am FULL of questions.

I guess its probably natural.  I had always thought of myself as logical.  I always thought that it was a better way to be, these days I'm not so sure about that.  So here are some of my questions....

Heart vs Head.... is this kind of like head vs gut.  Cause if so they say you should always listen to your gut. 
If that is the case, I have been listening with my head and not my heart.  Since that hasn't been working should I change to heart??

Some might say there is a happy medium.  But when it comes down to it, one wins out and it just depends on which one is the loudest.

See, my head is telling me I am crazy for the thoughts I have been having.  The decisions I am leaning toward making. 
But my heart tells me I will finally be making a good choice, it is screaming for me to listen.  I want to, I don't know right now if I even have a choice.  My heart has never spoke this loud. 

Well we are on this subject, here is my next question....

Is love so powerful that when it happens there is no stopping it?
I have been discussing this with a friend recently.  We have been trying to decide if there are different levels of love and do you find those levels at different times in your life.  Is everyone lucky enough to find the ultimate level if there is one.  So what is the ultimate level of love?

I hope to let you all know!   LOL 

finding new love

So I have now been separated for 6 months just waiting on my divorce to be finalized. 
People are talking about dating with me.  I have some reservations on what I need to do.

YES I want to have fun and dating can be fun.
YES I know that I should look around see what is out there.

So here is the question..... 
IF I find someone and it's sooner that later and this person makes me happy am I silly if I don't keep looking?
Who says you have to go through 5 or 10 people first.
So in saying that... I think I am going to try to "be one with the universe" and let myself be free and the answer will find me...
When and if I find that person if I am supposed to be with them the universe will lead me back to them over and over right???? 
I guess I am worried that I will think its the universe when really it's me leading myself back. 

Update

SOOO much has happened since last post.

First I went on an amazing vacation.  It was the most enjoyable vacation I have taken. 
I had a relaxing, fun and eventful vacation.  With NO DRAMA!!!  and though I will not say much I will say my vacation did involve a serious mending of my heart.

Also on Saturday I had dinner with friends for our usual dinner and my BDay.  A friend I haven't seen in 4 months came.  It was nice to see him.  I am glad he is doing well and hope he will come back to see us again soon.  My very considerate and supportive friends got me a kindle and a gift card to buy books.  Love it.

I also go a book from my philosophy friend.  The book of Awakening.   I am really getting into this universe is connected thing and have very much enjoyed  the first 3 days I have read.  I actually may pass on her tradition to give this book to friends.  I might go get it for my sister too!

I am very excited for this summer, I have a feeling it is going to be a very enlightening time for me.  I plan to get to know what makes me happy and go for it!!