So out of no where, I finally see someone on a website that has potential to be someone I can date without considering it torture. There is always a catch,we live about an hour away from each other. So for now we can split the distance and this will make it easy to not be on top of each other...
But I have discovered something that I'm a little puzzled by...
As I have been telling a few friends of mine why I have been having trouble finding someone to date I am somehow offending them I think??? No one is saying I am but I hear a change in their tone when they start suddenly talking about their man.
See here is my "demand" that seem to upset my friends:
I want a guy that at least takes care of himself. He doesn't have to be perfect or muscle bound BUT I am working hard myself on be fit and I have found that it is easier when you both want that.
Now everyone understand these things:
Both need to want kids...
Both need to want to save money...
Both need to like to travel...
So why am I offending people when I say.... "I want" I'm not saying everyone should want.
See my ex used to always give me reasons why I didn't need to work out and on those days when I needed a little encouragement he did the opposite. The guy I'm dating now is very fit and encourages me to do what I need to do to reach my goal.
I have found that lost memory of being insanely attracted to your man. LOL.
Whats wrong with wanting that still.
I guess people think I'm judging them if they don't want the same things, but again we were talking about what I want. I am getting frustrated that I have to deal with other peoples insecurities when I'm talking about myself!!
Well I guess I might have to do the tough love thing and point this out to them soon....
About Me
Thursday, January 3, 2013
Monday, December 31, 2012
New Year 2013- Im back
Well it has been over a year since my last post. I won't lie, I was busy living my AMAZING life, LOL. I really thought I was, today I had a slap in the face and I'm lost again and over this whole thing.
I am with the man that I previously talked about (NO, not the ex). I have been sooo happy with him and our relationship. Things have been smooth and moving forward. He asked me to meet his family, his whole family. I loved them and felt like I fit right in.
We were planning our travel schedule for next year and plan to move in together in 2014.
Sounds great, right?????
Well then why am I flooded with concerns? I know I am ready to move forward and he isn't.
I know he plans to but he wants this one last year to move slow, I agree with my head but my heart is already past the year.
This is all new to me, I have never been so in love before I moved forward based on my heart, not my head. My head is now telling me to run. See I have always been the one with the least emotions and the tables are turned. I am the chaser not the chasie. This end sucks!! I'm not sure what to do, go out and occupy my time, see what happens or sit back and deal with my emotional turmoil?
Here's to hoping I wake up with the answer, Happy New Year.
I am with the man that I previously talked about (NO, not the ex). I have been sooo happy with him and our relationship. Things have been smooth and moving forward. He asked me to meet his family, his whole family. I loved them and felt like I fit right in.
We were planning our travel schedule for next year and plan to move in together in 2014.
Sounds great, right?????
Well then why am I flooded with concerns? I know I am ready to move forward and he isn't.
I know he plans to but he wants this one last year to move slow, I agree with my head but my heart is already past the year.
This is all new to me, I have never been so in love before I moved forward based on my heart, not my head. My head is now telling me to run. See I have always been the one with the least emotions and the tables are turned. I am the chaser not the chasie. This end sucks!! I'm not sure what to do, go out and occupy my time, see what happens or sit back and deal with my emotional turmoil?
Here's to hoping I wake up with the answer, Happy New Year.
Sunday, September 25, 2011
Scattered
I feel like I was scattered all over the place again. This time it was my ignorence or arigance. Im not sure which one but, I was thrown for a loop or slapped in the face wtih the reality of my situation.
I let myself feel safe and in love, too soon I think. I let my guard down. I let my imagination and heart free.
I would say this is a good thing but Im just not ready to be wronged again or ready to be dissapointed.
I am not sure what to do really so I am just concentrating on me.
What do I have to do today to make it successful, what do I have to do to feel good?
This is the easy way to live these days. The hard days are just ahead......
The person that has the potential to hurt me has been gone so it has been easy to act as if he wasnt ever here.
But he is almost back, I will have to see him almost every day. This will be hard and I don't know what I want to do. Do I want to continue this risk or stop it now? How will I know?
Worse yet, what if he has already decided for me?
I never thought this would happen so soon. To become so attached. To love like this so quickly.
Well here's to hoping it all works out!
I let myself feel safe and in love, too soon I think. I let my guard down. I let my imagination and heart free.
I would say this is a good thing but Im just not ready to be wronged again or ready to be dissapointed.
I am not sure what to do really so I am just concentrating on me.
What do I have to do today to make it successful, what do I have to do to feel good?
This is the easy way to live these days. The hard days are just ahead......
The person that has the potential to hurt me has been gone so it has been easy to act as if he wasnt ever here.
But he is almost back, I will have to see him almost every day. This will be hard and I don't know what I want to do. Do I want to continue this risk or stop it now? How will I know?
Worse yet, what if he has already decided for me?
I never thought this would happen so soon. To become so attached. To love like this so quickly.
Well here's to hoping it all works out!
Saturday, September 3, 2011
family
Recently my grandmother passed away. She was my last grandparent and the link to my family.
My mothers family is mostly gone and what little is left is no where near us.
My fathers family is all around but if not for my grandma we would probably never see them.
This was not easy for me. This just reminds me I am that much closer to loosing my own parents. A thought I am not ready to contend with. Again it reminds me how quickly time goes by.
I did not get to spend a lot of time with my grandma before she passed. I regret not seeing her more, as I am sure most of us do. I am happy she passed peacefully and will miss her very much. She had her faults like we all do but she was giving. She was funny too. Especially as she got older, she let out more. I can only imagine what she was like when she was young and spoke freely among her friends.
She was pretty.
I can't imagine those that grow up without grandparents or family at all. How alone it must be. I am grateful that I had all my grandparents for so long.
I think I never realized how separate my family was until recently. I guess its because my ex's family was huge and I was involved in his so I didn't realize mine was so distant.
I spoke with my sister about trying to keep my family together, not sure how successful we will be.
But for myself, this is a goal I will set. It might not be the same tradition as before but I plan to put forth an effort to make better connections within my family.
My mothers family is mostly gone and what little is left is no where near us.
My fathers family is all around but if not for my grandma we would probably never see them.
This was not easy for me. This just reminds me I am that much closer to loosing my own parents. A thought I am not ready to contend with. Again it reminds me how quickly time goes by.
I did not get to spend a lot of time with my grandma before she passed. I regret not seeing her more, as I am sure most of us do. I am happy she passed peacefully and will miss her very much. She had her faults like we all do but she was giving. She was funny too. Especially as she got older, she let out more. I can only imagine what she was like when she was young and spoke freely among her friends.
She was pretty.
I can't imagine those that grow up without grandparents or family at all. How alone it must be. I am grateful that I had all my grandparents for so long.
I think I never realized how separate my family was until recently. I guess its because my ex's family was huge and I was involved in his so I didn't realize mine was so distant.
I spoke with my sister about trying to keep my family together, not sure how successful we will be.
But for myself, this is a goal I will set. It might not be the same tradition as before but I plan to put forth an effort to make better connections within my family.
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Time lines
So I have this strange thing I do to myself.
I put timelines on everything. Maybe this is a side effect of my work. Everything does have a timeline.
But in our personal life time lines don't make sense and tend to cause us to rush and make decisions too early. I learned this in my marriage as I feel like that is why I even got married.
I had this timeline in my head.
Get degree, find work, meet man, get married buy house, have family! Oh yeah must all be completed by 35. I would have completed all that if not for the whole pregnancy thing.
Obviously thinking back this timeline maybe pushed me to or helped me to keep moving forward even though I knew my husband wasn't ready or wouldn't be successful, so not a good idea.
Now I feel myself trying to do this again. I am happy mostly where I am. I would tweek a few things but overall happy. So why do I feel the need to put a timeline in place again?
My big concern is this timeline could cause me to push or over think things and ruin them.
Why do it? Why put this timeline in place? How can I stop myself?
I put timelines on everything. Maybe this is a side effect of my work. Everything does have a timeline.
But in our personal life time lines don't make sense and tend to cause us to rush and make decisions too early. I learned this in my marriage as I feel like that is why I even got married.
I had this timeline in my head.
Get degree, find work, meet man, get married buy house, have family! Oh yeah must all be completed by 35. I would have completed all that if not for the whole pregnancy thing.
Obviously thinking back this timeline maybe pushed me to or helped me to keep moving forward even though I knew my husband wasn't ready or wouldn't be successful, so not a good idea.
Now I feel myself trying to do this again. I am happy mostly where I am. I would tweek a few things but overall happy. So why do I feel the need to put a timeline in place again?
My big concern is this timeline could cause me to push or over think things and ruin them.
Why do it? Why put this timeline in place? How can I stop myself?
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Between
I know this is gonna sound kind of sad, but I don't mean it that way.
I'm living in this kind of in between state these days.
Almost divorced, but not quite.
Almost in a relationship, but not quite.
Almost at my weight goal, but not quite.
I have a home, but not really.
The big question is........How long do you live like this? Until you say no more?
Do you say no more cause you feel it or cause you think it?
Some of these things I don't have control over, some I do.
I am ready to move to the next step the not between step.
I guess technically I have been living between for over a year.
I think its starting to wear on me.
I used to not think about being there, It used to be just where I was, now its where I want to move on from.
There are some obstacles in my way and one is fear.
Fear I am making some wrong choices.
People say trust your heart. I thought I did that before, didn't get me very far.
Now I wonder if it was my heart I heard or something else. If it was something else what if that's what I'm hearing again?
Ugh...... so many questions, no one answers!!
LOL
I'm living in this kind of in between state these days.
Almost divorced, but not quite.
Almost in a relationship, but not quite.
Almost at my weight goal, but not quite.
I have a home, but not really.
The big question is........How long do you live like this? Until you say no more?
Do you say no more cause you feel it or cause you think it?
Some of these things I don't have control over, some I do.
I am ready to move to the next step the not between step.
I guess technically I have been living between for over a year.
I think its starting to wear on me.
I used to not think about being there, It used to be just where I was, now its where I want to move on from.
There are some obstacles in my way and one is fear.
Fear I am making some wrong choices.
People say trust your heart. I thought I did that before, didn't get me very far.
Now I wonder if it was my heart I heard or something else. If it was something else what if that's what I'm hearing again?
Ugh...... so many questions, no one answers!!
LOL
Thursday, August 4, 2011
present, past, now future
Everyone has a story to tell. So do I. I am learning now how my story is told.
You often hear, I'm glad what I went through it made me who I am today.
I'm sure it did but what about...... This is me so this is my story.
I mean, everyone would handle the same situation different. So why not say I shaped it not it shaped me?
My story in the present was like so many. I was in the middle, I did what I could. I made decisions unsure of what would happen in the end. When I was in my story I could not see anything else, I could not see the beginning the middle or the end. It was like I woke up wrapped up and just had to be.
My story in the past was embarrassing. So many people judge us for what we have been through and how we have handled it.
You should have, I would have, I don't know how you could.....
I knew no other way, I was being me.
I was supporting someone that needed me. I had pledged my love to this person and though they were not showing me ANY love in their actions I still gave them me.
I gave me until I felt I had no more to give.
This is my past, being embarrassed of my actions.
WHY? Why is it soooo bad to be supportive and giving until you have no more to give?
So now my story is my future. I am still me. I have given and I made it through. We did not.
I'm okay with that.
I am no longer embarrassed because I do realize. I shouldn't be.
Why should I be embarrassed to have given so much of myself to help another? Maybe you should be embarrassed that you won't.
My future is not what happened to me but its how I made it into this...
I will still give, I will still support, I will be there, I will not judge!
I will love!!!! and I will love BIG!!!!
You often hear, I'm glad what I went through it made me who I am today.
I'm sure it did but what about...... This is me so this is my story.
I mean, everyone would handle the same situation different. So why not say I shaped it not it shaped me?
My story in the present was like so many. I was in the middle, I did what I could. I made decisions unsure of what would happen in the end. When I was in my story I could not see anything else, I could not see the beginning the middle or the end. It was like I woke up wrapped up and just had to be.
My story in the past was embarrassing. So many people judge us for what we have been through and how we have handled it.
You should have, I would have, I don't know how you could.....
I knew no other way, I was being me.
I was supporting someone that needed me. I had pledged my love to this person and though they were not showing me ANY love in their actions I still gave them me.
I gave me until I felt I had no more to give.
This is my past, being embarrassed of my actions.
WHY? Why is it soooo bad to be supportive and giving until you have no more to give?
So now my story is my future. I am still me. I have given and I made it through. We did not.
I'm okay with that.
I am no longer embarrassed because I do realize. I shouldn't be.
Why should I be embarrassed to have given so much of myself to help another? Maybe you should be embarrassed that you won't.
My future is not what happened to me but its how I made it into this...
I will still give, I will still support, I will be there, I will not judge!
I will love!!!! and I will love BIG!!!!
Monday, July 25, 2011
new life
I feel like I am making my way to a new self. Slowly I am more confident is this new single life. It is not as easy as I initially thought it would be.
At 36 you are not the youngest perkiest girl out at night. LOL.
And lets face it, a lot of what guys are looking for is not the girl that looks the most successful. Or at least if they are they don't have the balls to do anything about it.
I am caught in that middle place in life, don't want to look too young and don't want to feel that old.
I know what I want and I am determined to not settle.
I think the hardest part at this time is that most men and women around my age have young children and are in family mode. This means its hard to find new friends. I have some friends that don't have children but I can't just hang out with them only.
At this moment I am feeling calm, busy and ready.... ready for life!
At 36 you are not the youngest perkiest girl out at night. LOL.
And lets face it, a lot of what guys are looking for is not the girl that looks the most successful. Or at least if they are they don't have the balls to do anything about it.
I am caught in that middle place in life, don't want to look too young and don't want to feel that old.
I know what I want and I am determined to not settle.
I think the hardest part at this time is that most men and women around my age have young children and are in family mode. This means its hard to find new friends. I have some friends that don't have children but I can't just hang out with them only.
At this moment I am feeling calm, busy and ready.... ready for life!
Monday, July 11, 2011
Too much
Well there is a lot to say.
Just got back from a family vacation....enough said...lol.
Also I am at a turning point.... its time to officially say goodbye to my ex. He is coming to pack up some of his belongings and I am just realizing that I have moved on but not said goodbye....
Does that make sense?
I am furious and over my ex but saying goodbye seems to be hard. I can't figure this out and wish there was someone with some wisdom out there for me.
So whats next? Good question.....
I am at a stand still with some relationships in my life and questioning if I should start new ones.
Part of me feels that I need to hold off on new relationships, part of me is ready to get started.
I have so many uncertainties in my head at this time and I'm not sure how to figure any of them out.
So instead I am doing the typical thing, filling my days with work and other non-personal things....
Here is to confusion and frustration.... if anyone has a solution let me know! Funny since I really only have 1 follower and I talked to her today...
Just got back from a family vacation....enough said...lol.
Also I am at a turning point.... its time to officially say goodbye to my ex. He is coming to pack up some of his belongings and I am just realizing that I have moved on but not said goodbye....
Does that make sense?
I am furious and over my ex but saying goodbye seems to be hard. I can't figure this out and wish there was someone with some wisdom out there for me.
So whats next? Good question.....
I am at a stand still with some relationships in my life and questioning if I should start new ones.
Part of me feels that I need to hold off on new relationships, part of me is ready to get started.
I have so many uncertainties in my head at this time and I'm not sure how to figure any of them out.
So instead I am doing the typical thing, filling my days with work and other non-personal things....
Here is to confusion and frustration.... if anyone has a solution let me know! Funny since I really only have 1 follower and I talked to her today...
Monday, June 20, 2011
I strayed from me
So I guess it happens, you start off with a plan and its going good then you are sidetracked by something, someone, work.... Next thing you know you almost can't remember the plan.
So I was doing good putting myself first until the past few months. Then I went off track. I let someone sidetrack me. What is my problem? Why do I keep letting people get me off track?
I truly do believe that if I put myself first, work on me I will find the right person, relationship. Or it will find me.
So back on track, it is gonna take some work but today I started.
I didn't wait for anyone, I didn't need to talk to anyone. I worked, worked out, ate dinner and concentrated on me!
Tomorrow is the same!
So I was doing good putting myself first until the past few months. Then I went off track. I let someone sidetrack me. What is my problem? Why do I keep letting people get me off track?
I truly do believe that if I put myself first, work on me I will find the right person, relationship. Or it will find me.
So back on track, it is gonna take some work but today I started.
I didn't wait for anyone, I didn't need to talk to anyone. I worked, worked out, ate dinner and concentrated on me!
Tomorrow is the same!
Sunday, June 12, 2011
its all okay
I should be sad, my marriage is over, I am going through a horrible divorce, I am loosing another house I worked for BUT...
I'm okay. And I will be better than okay.
I will be happy, happier.
I will be with someone that supports me, encourages me and motivates me.
Someone that turns me on mentally, sexually and maybe even spiritually.
I will have an amazing man in my life that will show me what a relationship really is, what a partner really is.
I have a good life, why start looking on the down side now.
Thanks to my friend that went out with me last night. Had a great time. I'm very happy we have become so close and can't wait til all the other fun times to come
I'm okay. And I will be better than okay.
I will be happy, happier.
I will be with someone that supports me, encourages me and motivates me.
Someone that turns me on mentally, sexually and maybe even spiritually.
I will have an amazing man in my life that will show me what a relationship really is, what a partner really is.
I have a good life, why start looking on the down side now.
Thanks to my friend that went out with me last night. Had a great time. I'm very happy we have become so close and can't wait til all the other fun times to come
Thursday, June 9, 2011
what happened to zen
So
My days have been very hectic and I have not been living very Zen like.
I am letting things get to me more than I should.
I am taking on too much
I am not following through with things that make me happy (working out)
I am not completing things I know will make my life better.....
Am I sabotaging myself?
What is wrong with me?
I have decided to take my life back this week. Call it Scarlets version of reconnecting, centering or...
saying screw everyone else, I have to do me!
So here is to making this happen. Starting now. I am emailing work to say I will not be in.
(PS this is unheard of for Scarlet)
OOOMMMM
My days have been very hectic and I have not been living very Zen like.
I am letting things get to me more than I should.
I am taking on too much
I am not following through with things that make me happy (working out)
I am not completing things I know will make my life better.....
Am I sabotaging myself?
What is wrong with me?
I have decided to take my life back this week. Call it Scarlets version of reconnecting, centering or...
saying screw everyone else, I have to do me!
So here is to making this happen. Starting now. I am emailing work to say I will not be in.
(PS this is unheard of for Scarlet)
OOOMMMM
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Independence
Sometimes the simplest things give you the most satisfaction.
Today I had been doing some chores around the house and I noticed that a vine in my flower bed had been blown by the wind. Hard to explain but the vines had wires to assist in holding them up. The wires had snapped so I thought, I can fix this.
I found the extension latter, yes extension. I put it up against the house and fixed the wire. It was higher than I thought it was gonna be and a little scary BUT it felt good to fix it by myself. No help from anyone.
It's nice to know you can be independent. The feeling of accomplishing even such small things.
Why is that?
So in the wake of this I got the bright idea that this weekend I'm gonna try plumbing. Yes from baby steps to leaps... go big or go home.
On to home depot in the plumbing isle on Sunday. I will try to find out and fix what is wrong with one of my toilets.
To be continued.....LOL
Today I had been doing some chores around the house and I noticed that a vine in my flower bed had been blown by the wind. Hard to explain but the vines had wires to assist in holding them up. The wires had snapped so I thought, I can fix this.
I found the extension latter, yes extension. I put it up against the house and fixed the wire. It was higher than I thought it was gonna be and a little scary BUT it felt good to fix it by myself. No help from anyone.
It's nice to know you can be independent. The feeling of accomplishing even such small things.
Why is that?
So in the wake of this I got the bright idea that this weekend I'm gonna try plumbing. Yes from baby steps to leaps... go big or go home.
On to home depot in the plumbing isle on Sunday. I will try to find out and fix what is wrong with one of my toilets.
To be continued.....LOL
Monday, May 30, 2011
Happy Memorial Day
Happy Memorial Day
So usually my holidays are spent cooking out for friends and family. I enjoy entertaining and having people over kept my headaches to a min.
These days things are not so easy. My friends are not in the same place they were before. And as for family, well its half of what it used to be.
Hanging out with my family almost is too much at times. I know they mean well but mine and my sisters divorce is playing havoc on my parents. They are so worried all the time and not themselves.
I hate to say it but I really want to just disappear these days and not deal with them.
Today I have to go over there and see them, I know what they are gonna want to talk about.
People don 't realize that I don't need to talk about my personal life 24 / 7.
Anyway, I do miss the idea of a relaxing day spent cooking and having a few drinks. Will those days ever be again or do I need to find a new tradition?
So usually my holidays are spent cooking out for friends and family. I enjoy entertaining and having people over kept my headaches to a min.
These days things are not so easy. My friends are not in the same place they were before. And as for family, well its half of what it used to be.
Hanging out with my family almost is too much at times. I know they mean well but mine and my sisters divorce is playing havoc on my parents. They are so worried all the time and not themselves.
I hate to say it but I really want to just disappear these days and not deal with them.
Today I have to go over there and see them, I know what they are gonna want to talk about.
People don 't realize that I don't need to talk about my personal life 24 / 7.
Anyway, I do miss the idea of a relaxing day spent cooking and having a few drinks. Will those days ever be again or do I need to find a new tradition?
Friday, May 27, 2011
life is good
I just felt I needed to say this because my last post was SOOOO depressing.
MY LIFE IS GOOD!!!!
Yes not everything has worked out my way BUT
I have never really wanted for anything except for something extravagant
I have never had to go without
I am healthy
I am pretty or beautiful as I am told
I am smart, and there is ALWAYS plenty of work.
Work= money= shopping, nights out and vacations.
It sounds petty but that's what I do... shop go out and go on vacations.
I strangely enough have been unlucky in the relationship department. I have had many but for some reason when a man gets around me they seem to fall apart??? Is it cause they know I can handle everything??
Here's to breaking that cycle! Good man+ Laura = EVERYTHING!!
I have great friends. Just went to dinner with one last night. We have summer plans that will be so fun I won't know what to do with myself. YIKES.
Off to work, new building. Told you never enough work hours, right now if I worked all the hours each building wanted me I would be working about 80-90 hours a week.... I'm not that crazy.
MY LIFE IS GOOD!!!!
Yes not everything has worked out my way BUT
I have never really wanted for anything except for something extravagant
I have never had to go without
I am healthy
I am pretty or beautiful as I am told
I am smart, and there is ALWAYS plenty of work.
Work= money= shopping, nights out and vacations.
It sounds petty but that's what I do... shop go out and go on vacations.
I strangely enough have been unlucky in the relationship department. I have had many but for some reason when a man gets around me they seem to fall apart??? Is it cause they know I can handle everything??
Here's to breaking that cycle! Good man+ Laura = EVERYTHING!!
I have great friends. Just went to dinner with one last night. We have summer plans that will be so fun I won't know what to do with myself. YIKES.
Off to work, new building. Told you never enough work hours, right now if I worked all the hours each building wanted me I would be working about 80-90 hours a week.... I'm not that crazy.
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
do you believe in signs?
So I know I have touched on this before but sometimes it is just overwhelming. Signs that is, coincidences.
Tonight I promised someone I would go with them tomorrow and I am happy to.
So I decided to read tomorrows (May 26th) poem tonight since I will be up early and have a busy day.
Then I watched a show that I have DVR'd last week. Talk about feeling like things are connected.
This is something I don't talk about really, its easier that way and the topic makes people VERY uncomfortable.
BUT since no one reads this really I will take the time to write it hoping that it will help.
I am now 36 and tried for at least 5 years to get pregnant. I did not.
I have come to terms with this mostly but still have my moments. The show I watched really brought the usual bad feelings to the foremost of my thoughts so here they are...
Sometime I try really hard to figure out what horrible thing I did wrong that I am being punished by not having children.
I think I would be a good mom. I would do anything for my child and raise them right.
I used to imagine teaching them how to cook and making them birthday cakes. I still do think about it???
If I had a girl I would teach her how to play basketball so she wasn't too girly
If I had a boy I would make sure he respected women (and teach him basketball, LOL)
I would give them chores and teach them about work ethic.
I would let them dig in the dirt to appreciate the basics.
Mostly I would let them know they are loved and they can do anything!
Most days its easier now, I like to think in somewhat "delusional" trains of thought, like I will do these things with my niece and it will be the same (knowing it will not)
The hard days are when my niece is around and she falls or is tired. Those times when the only person in the world that makes everything okay is mom.
No one will ever call me mom, that is the empty part. Nothing will ever fill that space. Nothing will ever mend that part of my heart.
People always try to say. Maybe you will meet someone that has kids, maybe you will still have kids. I know they mean well so I tell them maybe. Its just easier that way.
I know I should be happy for what I do have, and I am. But as I said before there are times.
The times are getting shorter and farther apart but I doubt they will ever be gone completely.
I blame myself a lot.
If I would have made smarter decisions and not wasted time....IF.....IF....IF.
Some people don't understand why I treat my animals like babies. But right now as I sit here trying to see through my tears and write this, Oliver, my cat is laying next to me and just put his head on my leg and looked an me a meowed. I think he knows when I am sad and when I need someone.
He is my baby and he loves me. He would say mom if he could so....
If you are not an animal person or just an asshole I'm sure this sounds pathetic but if you are someone that is in the same position as me....
I'm sorry, I m sorry you have to go through this and no one with children will ever understand.
Yes they are the ones you want to hurt when they make statements like "kids aren't always that great anyway" or "your lucky to not be tied down".
Why not just say, that sucks, I'm sorry!
So no more sadness for me tonight, as my book says...
"Look with your sad eyes on things new to you that will give you something to do with your sadness"
Tonight I promised someone I would go with them tomorrow and I am happy to.
So I decided to read tomorrows (May 26th) poem tonight since I will be up early and have a busy day.
Then I watched a show that I have DVR'd last week. Talk about feeling like things are connected.
This is something I don't talk about really, its easier that way and the topic makes people VERY uncomfortable.
BUT since no one reads this really I will take the time to write it hoping that it will help.
I am now 36 and tried for at least 5 years to get pregnant. I did not.
I have come to terms with this mostly but still have my moments. The show I watched really brought the usual bad feelings to the foremost of my thoughts so here they are...
Sometime I try really hard to figure out what horrible thing I did wrong that I am being punished by not having children.
I think I would be a good mom. I would do anything for my child and raise them right.
I used to imagine teaching them how to cook and making them birthday cakes. I still do think about it???
If I had a girl I would teach her how to play basketball so she wasn't too girly
If I had a boy I would make sure he respected women (and teach him basketball, LOL)
I would give them chores and teach them about work ethic.
I would let them dig in the dirt to appreciate the basics.
Mostly I would let them know they are loved and they can do anything!
Most days its easier now, I like to think in somewhat "delusional" trains of thought, like I will do these things with my niece and it will be the same (knowing it will not)
The hard days are when my niece is around and she falls or is tired. Those times when the only person in the world that makes everything okay is mom.
No one will ever call me mom, that is the empty part. Nothing will ever fill that space. Nothing will ever mend that part of my heart.
People always try to say. Maybe you will meet someone that has kids, maybe you will still have kids. I know they mean well so I tell them maybe. Its just easier that way.
I know I should be happy for what I do have, and I am. But as I said before there are times.
The times are getting shorter and farther apart but I doubt they will ever be gone completely.
I blame myself a lot.
If I would have made smarter decisions and not wasted time....IF.....IF....IF.
Some people don't understand why I treat my animals like babies. But right now as I sit here trying to see through my tears and write this, Oliver, my cat is laying next to me and just put his head on my leg and looked an me a meowed. I think he knows when I am sad and when I need someone.
He is my baby and he loves me. He would say mom if he could so....
If you are not an animal person or just an asshole I'm sure this sounds pathetic but if you are someone that is in the same position as me....
I'm sorry, I m sorry you have to go through this and no one with children will ever understand.
Yes they are the ones you want to hurt when they make statements like "kids aren't always that great anyway" or "your lucky to not be tied down".
Why not just say, that sucks, I'm sorry!
So no more sadness for me tonight, as my book says...
"Look with your sad eyes on things new to you that will give you something to do with your sadness"
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Questions
These days I am FULL of questions.
I guess its probably natural. I had always thought of myself as logical. I always thought that it was a better way to be, these days I'm not so sure about that. So here are some of my questions....
Heart vs Head.... is this kind of like head vs gut. Cause if so they say you should always listen to your gut.
If that is the case, I have been listening with my head and not my heart. Since that hasn't been working should I change to heart??
Some might say there is a happy medium. But when it comes down to it, one wins out and it just depends on which one is the loudest.
See, my head is telling me I am crazy for the thoughts I have been having. The decisions I am leaning toward making.
But my heart tells me I will finally be making a good choice, it is screaming for me to listen. I want to, I don't know right now if I even have a choice. My heart has never spoke this loud.
Well we are on this subject, here is my next question....
Is love so powerful that when it happens there is no stopping it?
I have been discussing this with a friend recently. We have been trying to decide if there are different levels of love and do you find those levels at different times in your life. Is everyone lucky enough to find the ultimate level if there is one. So what is the ultimate level of love?
I hope to let you all know! LOL
I guess its probably natural. I had always thought of myself as logical. I always thought that it was a better way to be, these days I'm not so sure about that. So here are some of my questions....
Heart vs Head.... is this kind of like head vs gut. Cause if so they say you should always listen to your gut.
If that is the case, I have been listening with my head and not my heart. Since that hasn't been working should I change to heart??
Some might say there is a happy medium. But when it comes down to it, one wins out and it just depends on which one is the loudest.
See, my head is telling me I am crazy for the thoughts I have been having. The decisions I am leaning toward making.
But my heart tells me I will finally be making a good choice, it is screaming for me to listen. I want to, I don't know right now if I even have a choice. My heart has never spoke this loud.
Well we are on this subject, here is my next question....
Is love so powerful that when it happens there is no stopping it?
I have been discussing this with a friend recently. We have been trying to decide if there are different levels of love and do you find those levels at different times in your life. Is everyone lucky enough to find the ultimate level if there is one. So what is the ultimate level of love?
I hope to let you all know! LOL
Thursday, May 19, 2011
finding new love
So I have now been separated for 6 months just waiting on my divorce to be finalized.
People are talking about dating with me. I have some reservations on what I need to do.
YES I want to have fun and dating can be fun.
YES I know that I should look around see what is out there.
So here is the question.....
IF I find someone and it's sooner that later and this person makes me happy am I silly if I don't keep looking?
Who says you have to go through 5 or 10 people first.
So in saying that... I think I am going to try to "be one with the universe" and let myself be free and the answer will find me...
When and if I find that person if I am supposed to be with them the universe will lead me back to them over and over right????
I guess I am worried that I will think its the universe when really it's me leading myself back.
People are talking about dating with me. I have some reservations on what I need to do.
YES I want to have fun and dating can be fun.
YES I know that I should look around see what is out there.
So here is the question.....
IF I find someone and it's sooner that later and this person makes me happy am I silly if I don't keep looking?
Who says you have to go through 5 or 10 people first.
So in saying that... I think I am going to try to "be one with the universe" and let myself be free and the answer will find me...
When and if I find that person if I am supposed to be with them the universe will lead me back to them over and over right????
I guess I am worried that I will think its the universe when really it's me leading myself back.
Monday, May 16, 2011
Update
SOOO much has happened since last post.
First I went on an amazing vacation. It was the most enjoyable vacation I have taken.
I had a relaxing, fun and eventful vacation. With NO DRAMA!!! and though I will not say much I will say my vacation did involve a serious mending of my heart.
Also on Saturday I had dinner with friends for our usual dinner and my BDay. A friend I haven't seen in 4 months came. It was nice to see him. I am glad he is doing well and hope he will come back to see us again soon. My very considerate and supportive friends got me a kindle and a gift card to buy books. Love it.
I also go a book from my philosophy friend. The book of Awakening. I am really getting into this universe is connected thing and have very much enjoyed the first 3 days I have read. I actually may pass on her tradition to give this book to friends. I might go get it for my sister too!
I am very excited for this summer, I have a feeling it is going to be a very enlightening time for me. I plan to get to know what makes me happy and go for it!!
First I went on an amazing vacation. It was the most enjoyable vacation I have taken.
I had a relaxing, fun and eventful vacation. With NO DRAMA!!! and though I will not say much I will say my vacation did involve a serious mending of my heart.
Also on Saturday I had dinner with friends for our usual dinner and my BDay. A friend I haven't seen in 4 months came. It was nice to see him. I am glad he is doing well and hope he will come back to see us again soon. My very considerate and supportive friends got me a kindle and a gift card to buy books. Love it.
I also go a book from my philosophy friend. The book of Awakening. I am really getting into this universe is connected thing and have very much enjoyed the first 3 days I have read. I actually may pass on her tradition to give this book to friends. I might go get it for my sister too!
I am very excited for this summer, I have a feeling it is going to be a very enlightening time for me. I plan to get to know what makes me happy and go for it!!
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
pinch me
I couldn't be happier right now! Well I could be but I can't be greedy...
I have so many good things going on in my life. Earlier I posted that in the middle of crazy things I felt at peace... Well I still do.
I am really owning this positive outlook thing. I don't know why Pippi didn't introduce me to this before, LOL
I wish I could tell my secrets but I can't... not yet anyway.
I have to say I have had to slack on the workout thing this week but I know I will be back in soon, work is taking a lot of my time this last week. My workout friend will get me back on track, always has my best interest in mind. Physically and mentally. I am at the point in workout that I just want more, I expect more from myself, I want to keep getting better and better. I am looking forward to starting a new workout soon, my workout friend is going to "train me" not all the time but just to push me and mix it up... Scary but fun!
Work, well there is just sooooo much going on I will just leave it at that.
BUT I really wish I could express this feeling I have. People close to me tell me I just seem so happy these days that when I'm around they can't help but be happy with me.... its nice, refreshing. So pinch me, I must be dreaming!
I'm gonna sit and enjoy my happiness, savor it, relax with it, breath it in as deep as I can!!
I have so many good things going on in my life. Earlier I posted that in the middle of crazy things I felt at peace... Well I still do.
I am really owning this positive outlook thing. I don't know why Pippi didn't introduce me to this before, LOL
I wish I could tell my secrets but I can't... not yet anyway.
I have to say I have had to slack on the workout thing this week but I know I will be back in soon, work is taking a lot of my time this last week. My workout friend will get me back on track, always has my best interest in mind. Physically and mentally. I am at the point in workout that I just want more, I expect more from myself, I want to keep getting better and better. I am looking forward to starting a new workout soon, my workout friend is going to "train me" not all the time but just to push me and mix it up... Scary but fun!
Work, well there is just sooooo much going on I will just leave it at that.
BUT I really wish I could express this feeling I have. People close to me tell me I just seem so happy these days that when I'm around they can't help but be happy with me.... its nice, refreshing. So pinch me, I must be dreaming!
I'm gonna sit and enjoy my happiness, savor it, relax with it, breath it in as deep as I can!!
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