present, past, now future

Everyone has a story to tell.  So do I.  I am learning now how my story is told. 
You often hear, I'm glad what I went through it made me who I am today. 
I'm sure it did but what about......  This is me so this is my story.

I mean, everyone would handle the same situation different.  So why not say I shaped it not it shaped me?

My story in the present was like so many.  I was in the middle, I did what I could.  I made decisions unsure of what would happen in the end.  When I was in my story I could not see anything else, I could not see the beginning the middle or the end.  It was like I woke up wrapped up and just had to be.

My story in the past was embarrassing.  So many people judge us for what we have been through and how we have handled it. 
You should have, I would have, I don't know how you could..... 
I knew no other way, I was being me. 
I was supporting someone that needed me.  I had pledged my love to this person and though they were not showing me ANY love in their actions I still gave them me. 
I gave me until I felt I had no more to give. 
This is my past, being embarrassed of my actions. 
WHY?  Why is it soooo bad to be supportive and giving until you have no more to give?

So now my story is my future.  I am still me.  I have given and I made it through.  We did not. 
I'm okay with that.
I am no longer embarrassed because I do realize.  I shouldn't be. 
Why should I be embarrassed to have given so much of myself to help another?  Maybe you should be embarrassed that you won't. 

My future is not what happened to me but its how I made it into this...
I will still give, I will still support, I will be there, I will not judge!
I will love!!!!   and I will love BIG!!!!

new life

I feel like I am making my way to a new self.  Slowly I am more confident is this new single life.  It is not as easy as I initially thought it would be.
At 36 you are not the youngest perkiest girl out at night.  LOL.
And lets face it, a lot of what guys are looking for is not the girl that looks the most successful.  Or at least if they are they don't have the balls to do anything about it.

I am caught in that middle place in life, don't want to look too young and don't want to feel that old. 
I know what I want and I am determined to not settle.

I think the hardest part at this time is that most men and women around my age have young children and are in family mode.  This means its hard to find new friends.  I have some friends that don't have children but I can't just hang out with them only. 

At this moment I am feeling calm, busy and ready.... ready for life!

Too much

Well there is a lot to say.
Just got back from a family vacation....enough said...lol.

Also I am at a turning point.... its time to officially say goodbye to my ex.  He is coming to pack up some of his belongings and I am just realizing that I have moved on but not said goodbye....
Does that make sense?
I am furious and over my ex but saying goodbye seems to be hard.   I can't figure this out and wish there was someone with some wisdom out there for me.

So whats next?   Good question.....
I am at a stand still with some relationships in my life and questioning if I should start new ones. 
Part of me feels that I need to hold off on new relationships, part of me is ready to get started.
I have so many uncertainties in my head at this time and I'm not sure how to figure any of them out.
So instead I am doing the typical thing, filling my days with work and other non-personal things....

Here is to confusion and frustration.... if anyone has a solution let me know!  Funny since I really only have 1 follower and I talked to her today...

I strayed from me

So I guess it happens, you start off with a plan and its going good then you are sidetracked by something, someone, work....  Next thing you know you almost can't remember the plan.

So I was doing good putting myself first until the past few months.  Then I went off track.  I let someone sidetrack me.  What is my problem?  Why do I keep letting people get me off track?

I truly do believe that if I put myself first, work on me I will find the right person, relationship.  Or it will find me.

So back on track, it is gonna take some work but today I started. 
I didn't wait for anyone, I didn't need to talk to anyone.  I worked, worked out, ate dinner and concentrated on me! 
Tomorrow is the same!

its all okay

I should be sad, my marriage is over, I am going through a horrible divorce, I am loosing another house I worked for BUT...
I'm okay.  And I will be better than okay. 
I will be happy, happier.
I will be with someone that supports me, encourages me and motivates me.
Someone that turns me on mentally, sexually and maybe even spiritually.

I will have an amazing man in my life that will show me what a relationship really is, what a partner really is.
I have a good life, why start looking on the down side now.

Thanks to my friend that went out with me last night.  Had a great time.  I'm very happy we have become so close and can't wait til all the other fun times to come

what happened to zen

So
My days have been very hectic and I have not been living very Zen like. 
I am letting things get to me more than I should.
I am taking on too much
I am not following through with things that make me happy (working out)
I am not completing things I know will make my life better.....

Am I sabotaging myself?
What is wrong with me?

I have decided to take my life back this week.   Call it Scarlets version of reconnecting, centering or...
saying screw everyone else, I have to do me!

So here is to making this happen.  Starting now.  I am emailing work to say I will not be in.
(PS this is unheard of for Scarlet)

OOOMMMM

Independence

Sometimes the simplest things give you the most satisfaction.
Today I had been doing some chores around the house and I noticed that a vine in my flower bed had been blown by the wind.  Hard to explain but the vines had wires to assist in holding them up.  The wires had snapped so I thought, I can fix this.
I found the extension latter, yes extension.  I put it up against the house and fixed the wire.  It was higher than I thought it was gonna be and a little scary BUT it felt good to fix it by myself.  No help from anyone.

It's nice to know you can be independent.  The feeling of accomplishing even such small things. 
Why is that?

So in the wake of this I got the bright idea that this weekend I'm gonna try plumbing. Yes from baby steps to leaps... go big or go home.

On to home depot in the plumbing isle on Sunday.  I will try to find out and fix what is wrong with one of my toilets. 

To be continued.....LOL