Scattered

I feel like I was scattered all over the place again.  This time it was my ignorence or arigance.  Im not sure which one but, I was thrown for a loop or slapped in the face wtih the reality of my situation.

I let myself feel safe and in love, too soon I think.  I let my guard down.  I let my imagination and heart free.

I would say this is a good thing but Im just not ready to be wronged again or ready to be dissapointed.
I am not sure what to do really so I am just concentrating on me.
What do I have to do today to make it successful, what do I have to do to feel good?

This is the easy way to live these days.  The hard days are just ahead......

The person that has the potential to hurt me has been gone so it has been easy to act as if he wasnt ever here.
But he is almost back, I will have to see him almost every day.  This will be hard and I don't know what I want to do.  Do I want to continue this risk or stop it now?  How will I know?

Worse yet, what if he has already decided for me? 

I never thought this would happen so soon.  To become so attached.  To love like this so quickly.

Well here's to hoping it all works out! 

family

Recently my grandmother passed away.  She was my last grandparent and the link to my family.
My mothers family is mostly gone and what little is left is no where near us.
My fathers family is all around but if not for my grandma we would probably never see them.

This was not easy for me.  This just reminds me I am that much closer to loosing my own parents.  A thought I am not ready to contend with.  Again it reminds me how quickly time goes by.

I did not get to spend a lot of time with my grandma before she passed.  I regret not seeing her more, as I am sure most of us do.  I am happy she passed peacefully and will miss her very much.  She had her faults like we all do but she was giving.  She was funny too.  Especially as she got older, she let out more.  I can only imagine what she was like when she was young and spoke freely among her friends.
She was pretty.

I can't imagine those that grow up without grandparents or family at all.  How alone it must be. I am grateful that I had all my grandparents for so long. 

I think I never realized how separate my family was until recently.  I guess its because my ex's family was huge and I was involved in his so I didn't realize mine was so distant.

I spoke with my sister about trying to keep my family together, not sure how successful we will be. 
But for myself, this is a goal I will set.  It might not be the same tradition as before but I plan to put forth an effort to make better connections within my family.

Time lines

So I have this strange thing I do to myself.  
I put timelines on everything.   Maybe this is a side effect of my work.  Everything does have a timeline.

But in our personal life time lines don't make sense and tend to cause us to rush and make decisions too early.  I learned this in my marriage as I feel like that is why I even got married.
I had this timeline in  my head.
Get degree, find work, meet man, get married buy house, have family!  Oh yeah must all be completed by 35.  I would have completed all that if not for the whole pregnancy thing.

Obviously thinking back this timeline maybe pushed me to or helped me to keep moving forward even though I knew my husband wasn't ready or wouldn't be successful, so not a good idea.

Now I feel myself trying to do this again.  I am happy mostly where I am.  I would tweek a few things but overall happy.  So why do I feel the need to put a timeline in place again?
My big concern is this timeline could cause me to push or over think things and ruin them.  

Why do it?  Why put this timeline in place?   How can I stop myself?

Between

I know this is gonna sound kind of sad, but I don't mean it that way.

I'm living in this kind of in between state these days.
Almost divorced, but not quite.
Almost in a relationship, but not quite.
Almost at my weight goal, but not quite.
I have a home, but not really.

The big question is........How long do you live like this?   Until you say no more?
Do you say no more cause you feel it or cause you think it?

Some of these things I don't have control over, some I do.
I am ready to move to the next step the not between step.
I guess technically I have been living between for over a year.
I think its starting to wear on me.
I used to not think about being there, It used to be just where I was, now its where I want to move on from.

There are some obstacles in my way and one is fear.
Fear I am making some wrong choices.
People say trust your heart.  I thought I did that before, didn't get me very far.
Now I wonder if it was my heart I heard or something else.  If it was something else what if that's what I'm hearing again?

Ugh......  so many questions, no one answers!!

LOL

present, past, now future

Everyone has a story to tell.  So do I.  I am learning now how my story is told. 
You often hear, I'm glad what I went through it made me who I am today. 
I'm sure it did but what about......  This is me so this is my story.

I mean, everyone would handle the same situation different.  So why not say I shaped it not it shaped me?

My story in the present was like so many.  I was in the middle, I did what I could.  I made decisions unsure of what would happen in the end.  When I was in my story I could not see anything else, I could not see the beginning the middle or the end.  It was like I woke up wrapped up and just had to be.

My story in the past was embarrassing.  So many people judge us for what we have been through and how we have handled it. 
You should have, I would have, I don't know how you could..... 
I knew no other way, I was being me. 
I was supporting someone that needed me.  I had pledged my love to this person and though they were not showing me ANY love in their actions I still gave them me. 
I gave me until I felt I had no more to give. 
This is my past, being embarrassed of my actions. 
WHY?  Why is it soooo bad to be supportive and giving until you have no more to give?

So now my story is my future.  I am still me.  I have given and I made it through.  We did not. 
I'm okay with that.
I am no longer embarrassed because I do realize.  I shouldn't be. 
Why should I be embarrassed to have given so much of myself to help another?  Maybe you should be embarrassed that you won't. 

My future is not what happened to me but its how I made it into this...
I will still give, I will still support, I will be there, I will not judge!
I will love!!!!   and I will love BIG!!!!

new life

I feel like I am making my way to a new self.  Slowly I am more confident is this new single life.  It is not as easy as I initially thought it would be.
At 36 you are not the youngest perkiest girl out at night.  LOL.
And lets face it, a lot of what guys are looking for is not the girl that looks the most successful.  Or at least if they are they don't have the balls to do anything about it.

I am caught in that middle place in life, don't want to look too young and don't want to feel that old. 
I know what I want and I am determined to not settle.

I think the hardest part at this time is that most men and women around my age have young children and are in family mode.  This means its hard to find new friends.  I have some friends that don't have children but I can't just hang out with them only. 

At this moment I am feeling calm, busy and ready.... ready for life!

Too much

Well there is a lot to say.
Just got back from a family vacation....enough said...lol.

Also I am at a turning point.... its time to officially say goodbye to my ex.  He is coming to pack up some of his belongings and I am just realizing that I have moved on but not said goodbye....
Does that make sense?
I am furious and over my ex but saying goodbye seems to be hard.   I can't figure this out and wish there was someone with some wisdom out there for me.

So whats next?   Good question.....
I am at a stand still with some relationships in my life and questioning if I should start new ones. 
Part of me feels that I need to hold off on new relationships, part of me is ready to get started.
I have so many uncertainties in my head at this time and I'm not sure how to figure any of them out.
So instead I am doing the typical thing, filling my days with work and other non-personal things....

Here is to confusion and frustration.... if anyone has a solution let me know!  Funny since I really only have 1 follower and I talked to her today...