This is the best word to describe me these days. FRUSTRATED.
Frustrated at work:
No one does their work in a timely manner and this effects my work
No one wants to hear what the problems are if they involve them doing ANYTHING
Expectations and solutions that are unrealistic
I have 3 buildings I work at:
1 of them everyone is mad, hates the place and thinks they are getting fired any day.
What a great atmosphere!
1 has no right to even be open (really)
1 has a bunch of lazy people that like to cover up all the things that are not being done, ugh.
Why hire me if as the "expert" if you don't want to know!
At home I am frustrated with this divorce crap. Can't I just click my heels and its done? If only.
One frustration just leads to the next. I would just be happy if at least 1 thing got solved. Sometimes I think I expect too much from people and this leads to my frustration but why not people expect way more from me than I expect from them
I have decided maybe I should take a vow of silence. Then I cut down on interaction with stupid, boring lazy people!
PS ... I work with more of those than should be allowed in 1 place at a time. There really should be a stupid limit. How would we decide what the limit is? I like this rule.
About Me
Monday, January 31, 2011
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Real Relationships
So I have had a busy week. I saw a friend last night I haven't seen in years. We clicked like we never skipped a beat. It was good to see her and talk with her. I am glad that we got to catch up and I'm looking forward to seeing her again.
Unfortunately she is having some hard times in her life as well. It seems to be the trend these days. It got me thinking.
Is there really a relationship out there that is working? I know everyone has ups and downs but it just doesn't seem like I know anyone that is in a relationship that BOTH people are happy and BOTH people think the other one is fine the way they are.
I guess what it is teaching me is that a lot of people fall in love and over look some BIG things that through time just keep getting bigger and bigger until they are so big one person cannot see around the issue to see the other person. The odd thing is the other person never seems to see the issue at all....????
So why do we do this to ourselves?
Are we sooo in a hurry we say this one will do?
Are we sooo in love we think that will fix everything?
Who knows. If you think you do please share.
All I know is I will need to find someone that doesn't have anything big that needs to be fixed or I would rather be alone.
I wonder if anyone thinks I need to be fixed?
Unfortunately she is having some hard times in her life as well. It seems to be the trend these days. It got me thinking.
Is there really a relationship out there that is working? I know everyone has ups and downs but it just doesn't seem like I know anyone that is in a relationship that BOTH people are happy and BOTH people think the other one is fine the way they are.
I guess what it is teaching me is that a lot of people fall in love and over look some BIG things that through time just keep getting bigger and bigger until they are so big one person cannot see around the issue to see the other person. The odd thing is the other person never seems to see the issue at all....????
So why do we do this to ourselves?
Are we sooo in a hurry we say this one will do?
Are we sooo in love we think that will fix everything?
Who knows. If you think you do please share.
All I know is I will need to find someone that doesn't have anything big that needs to be fixed or I would rather be alone.
I wonder if anyone thinks I need to be fixed?
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Fear
Fear, its what keep us from change. But It is also what makes up change.
I work in a Rehab Center/Nursing home. Sometimes someone I meet makes a big impact on me and brings out some emotions you try to keep underneath.
So today I met an 83 year old man. He told me a story of how he was married for 47 years. His wife died from cancer at 60. He had tears in his eyes when he spoke about her. It was obviously sad.
Then he told me the second half of the story. When he was in the war he was in a POW in Germany. He was released and not sure why but stayed there for a year and a half. During this time he had met a girl at the dance hall. He wanted her to come back with him but her mother said no.
After his wife died he went back to Germany to see family (he is from their but lived in America most of his life). He drove by his old girlfriends house. She had moved a year before but a neighbor had her phone number. She called her and he spoke only one sentence, she knew instantly who he was, it had been 60 years. They agreed to meet. It turned out she was divorced and alone. They now live together and are married.
The thing I remember most about this story is the emotion is his face.
See a fear of mine is that I have not had children and unless some miracle happens I will not. So what happens when I have to face the death of my parents or what happens when I am old and not well. Who will talk with such emotion about me? Who will feel that much love and stand by my side? Who will stand by my husbands side?
I fear this for everyone as all to often I see people just sit, alone waiting for it all to end. This isn't always a quick process and lets face it extended family is rarely involved, we just don't do those things as a culture.
So is the answer to make a choice not based on fear? Or is the answer to pick what I fear less?
Who knows.... don't get me wrong this hasn't changed my mind. Just today was one of those days, you meet someone and they make an impact.
Thank you to the man in the story.
I work in a Rehab Center/Nursing home. Sometimes someone I meet makes a big impact on me and brings out some emotions you try to keep underneath.
So today I met an 83 year old man. He told me a story of how he was married for 47 years. His wife died from cancer at 60. He had tears in his eyes when he spoke about her. It was obviously sad.
Then he told me the second half of the story. When he was in the war he was in a POW in Germany. He was released and not sure why but stayed there for a year and a half. During this time he had met a girl at the dance hall. He wanted her to come back with him but her mother said no.
After his wife died he went back to Germany to see family (he is from their but lived in America most of his life). He drove by his old girlfriends house. She had moved a year before but a neighbor had her phone number. She called her and he spoke only one sentence, she knew instantly who he was, it had been 60 years. They agreed to meet. It turned out she was divorced and alone. They now live together and are married.
The thing I remember most about this story is the emotion is his face.
See a fear of mine is that I have not had children and unless some miracle happens I will not. So what happens when I have to face the death of my parents or what happens when I am old and not well. Who will talk with such emotion about me? Who will feel that much love and stand by my side? Who will stand by my husbands side?
I fear this for everyone as all to often I see people just sit, alone waiting for it all to end. This isn't always a quick process and lets face it extended family is rarely involved, we just don't do those things as a culture.
So is the answer to make a choice not based on fear? Or is the answer to pick what I fear less?
Who knows.... don't get me wrong this hasn't changed my mind. Just today was one of those days, you meet someone and they make an impact.
Thank you to the man in the story.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Secrets are toxic
So who would have thought such wisdom would be found in a TV show? On Bones it was said that secrets among friends are toxic. Does that mean all secrets?
In my experience you have to filter the truth. Most people are not able to handle 100% of the truth. So if you tell the truth to your friends you have to think some things through...
Who does it benefit if they know 100% how you feel?
Will it change the outcome of what is happening?
Will it just cause more hurt than good?
My thought is sometimes telling the truth is only beneficially to the one telling it, not the ones hearing it and if this person is truly your friend you should be more worried about hurting them than releasing your own thoughts.
On the other hand there are times when you can't stand by without speaking the truth and it should be worth it in the end... the end may be a long ways away but one day that friend will understand that you had their best interest in mind even if it didn't feel that way at the time.
Where is all this coming from? A couple places.
1. I have a circle of friends that is falling apart because everyone is seeing only their side of the story. No one is trying to see that each of them has a reason for feeling the way they do and none of them may be wrong.
What is wrong is when you discount your friends feeling to make it easier on yourself. Only those involved know when that line is being crossed.
2. I have my own truths I am wrestling with. I have so many feelings circling in my head it is hard to know what is going on. At this point in time I'm not sure I can say that I even know what is true. I guess only time will tell and hopefully in that time I don't go crazy
So in the end the truth hurts and so does a lie. You have to ask yourself and be honest.
Do you want people to lie to you? If so you can't get mad when you find out the truth.
Do you want people to tell you the truth? If so you can't get mad when you hear it.
For me... I want the truth. I will respect you more and be able to make a honest decision for myself.
Again I think most people think they want to truth but can really only handle the lie. To bad they don't see it and they blame others for this.
In my experience you have to filter the truth. Most people are not able to handle 100% of the truth. So if you tell the truth to your friends you have to think some things through...
Who does it benefit if they know 100% how you feel?
Will it change the outcome of what is happening?
Will it just cause more hurt than good?
My thought is sometimes telling the truth is only beneficially to the one telling it, not the ones hearing it and if this person is truly your friend you should be more worried about hurting them than releasing your own thoughts.
On the other hand there are times when you can't stand by without speaking the truth and it should be worth it in the end... the end may be a long ways away but one day that friend will understand that you had their best interest in mind even if it didn't feel that way at the time.
Where is all this coming from? A couple places.
1. I have a circle of friends that is falling apart because everyone is seeing only their side of the story. No one is trying to see that each of them has a reason for feeling the way they do and none of them may be wrong.
What is wrong is when you discount your friends feeling to make it easier on yourself. Only those involved know when that line is being crossed.
2. I have my own truths I am wrestling with. I have so many feelings circling in my head it is hard to know what is going on. At this point in time I'm not sure I can say that I even know what is true. I guess only time will tell and hopefully in that time I don't go crazy
So in the end the truth hurts and so does a lie. You have to ask yourself and be honest.
Do you want people to lie to you? If so you can't get mad when you find out the truth.
Do you want people to tell you the truth? If so you can't get mad when you hear it.
For me... I want the truth. I will respect you more and be able to make a honest decision for myself.
Again I think most people think they want to truth but can really only handle the lie. To bad they don't see it and they blame others for this.
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Life lessons
This has been a good weekend. I have a lot of things I want to share swirling around in my head too. Where do I start and how long winded should I get is the question.
I always knew I was a strong person, sometimes I almost think I'm too strong. I almost think life would be easier if I was weaker. Less outspoken.
Why???
I think I push my self SOOOO hard sometimes because I know I can with stand so much. But am I doing myself any favors by pushing so hard? I guess the answer must me yes. After all I am where I am today only because of that. I think to many people take the easy way out because they think something is too hard or they won't succeed. I may not do something great or be the most successful but I am not going to let that dictate my decisions!
We will make it though anything... The saying it's not gonna kill you is pretty much the truth. So not taking the chance is just crazy. No, I don't have all the answers or so I am lonely for a couple days but at the end of that journey I will have done something, met someone or had an experience I would not have otherwise had and isn't that what life is about, experiences.
I think our parents generation thought life was about marriage, kids and a house. I think we realize its more. Who comes to your house, whose houses do you visit. What do you take from those visits?
Each of my friends has a different perspective to offer and each teaches me something I may not have learned on my own I am a better person for what I learn.
This is one thing I am learning these days....
I lost myself for a while and I am getting to know myself again but it's not the old me it's the new wiser me. The one who soaks up what she can, gets what she needs from the moment and uses that for the times when there is nothing. Take the laughs when they are there, the tears when you need to and make sure you appreciate them both equally.
I always knew I was a strong person, sometimes I almost think I'm too strong. I almost think life would be easier if I was weaker. Less outspoken.
Why???
I think I push my self SOOOO hard sometimes because I know I can with stand so much. But am I doing myself any favors by pushing so hard? I guess the answer must me yes. After all I am where I am today only because of that. I think to many people take the easy way out because they think something is too hard or they won't succeed. I may not do something great or be the most successful but I am not going to let that dictate my decisions!
We will make it though anything... The saying it's not gonna kill you is pretty much the truth. So not taking the chance is just crazy. No, I don't have all the answers or so I am lonely for a couple days but at the end of that journey I will have done something, met someone or had an experience I would not have otherwise had and isn't that what life is about, experiences.
I think our parents generation thought life was about marriage, kids and a house. I think we realize its more. Who comes to your house, whose houses do you visit. What do you take from those visits?
Each of my friends has a different perspective to offer and each teaches me something I may not have learned on my own I am a better person for what I learn.
This is one thing I am learning these days....
I lost myself for a while and I am getting to know myself again but it's not the old me it's the new wiser me. The one who soaks up what she can, gets what she needs from the moment and uses that for the times when there is nothing. Take the laughs when they are there, the tears when you need to and make sure you appreciate them both equally.
Friday, January 21, 2011
Philosophy
People keep asking me if I'm okay. I know they expect me to be a little more sad, I'm either in serious denial or as 1 of my friends says I have been dealing with my marriage being "over" for the last 2 years so the actual separation of living under the same room is the only thing I'm dealing with now and being "alone" is not as scary to me as it is to a lot of people. I'm sure that there will be a time, god knows when it will be, that I will sit and say. Wow it sucks to be in this house alone so much. I'm thinking it will be the summer time when the days are longer and I want to sit outside but that just invites my neighbors to ask the many burning questions that my friends don't need to ask. The questions can actually be what make you feel alone sometimes....
Speaking of being alone. I recently learned a friend of mine would never have considered herself as happy... This really was a surprise to me. I think everyone that knew her would say in general she seemed happy, so my question is why did she think she wasn't? My only guess is she didn't ever have a man in her life and really started to realize that having a relationship was something she wanted... its natural to want to share your life and while you can share it with friends and family there is something different about sharing it with someone you are in love with.
Isn't this the whole Maslow's hierarchy of needs thing??? Its been a while but maybe I should brush up on
that whole theory.
I'm thinking it's something like
Basic: Food, water, shelter ( it's a check so far)
Safety: This one is tricky... I don't feel unsafe but I don't remember if this has an actual different meaning
Mental (or something like that): again I think I've got that down but waiting for the big boo hoo breakdown
Self: I like to think that I am working on that both personal and at work
Not sure what the last one was...
Any psych majors reading that can help??? LOL. Since I already know the answer to that I will say no but I'm sure my good friend the philosopher will help out if she ever gets to reading this... JK you know I love you!
Okay so I have work to do, find out where I am on the hierarchy of needs list...
Speaking of being alone. I recently learned a friend of mine would never have considered herself as happy... This really was a surprise to me. I think everyone that knew her would say in general she seemed happy, so my question is why did she think she wasn't? My only guess is she didn't ever have a man in her life and really started to realize that having a relationship was something she wanted... its natural to want to share your life and while you can share it with friends and family there is something different about sharing it with someone you are in love with.
Isn't this the whole Maslow's hierarchy of needs thing??? Its been a while but maybe I should brush up on
that whole theory.
I'm thinking it's something like
Basic: Food, water, shelter ( it's a check so far)
Safety: This one is tricky... I don't feel unsafe but I don't remember if this has an actual different meaning
Mental (or something like that): again I think I've got that down but waiting for the big boo hoo breakdown
Self: I like to think that I am working on that both personal and at work
Not sure what the last one was...
Any psych majors reading that can help??? LOL. Since I already know the answer to that I will say no but I'm sure my good friend the philosopher will help out if she ever gets to reading this... JK you know I love you!
Okay so I have work to do, find out where I am on the hierarchy of needs list...
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
BUSY
Wow what a day.
So I am focusing on the good right!
I had a meeting at one of my buildings today and it went good.
I made a dessert that everyone liked.
I still have a job...LOL
I talked to my husband and we were civil.
So here's what didn't go so good:
I didn't get all the work done I planned.
The state walked into another building and the surveyor I have to deal with sounds new...not good.
I no longer get Friday off. (state)
I didn't get to make the calls I needed to.
I didn't work out.
So what stood out to me... My time in the elevator. If you have to ask never mind!
I am looking forward to my weekend plans. Should be lots of fun. I need some fun.
So I am focusing on the good right!
I had a meeting at one of my buildings today and it went good.
I made a dessert that everyone liked.
I still have a job...LOL
I talked to my husband and we were civil.
So here's what didn't go so good:
I didn't get all the work done I planned.
The state walked into another building and the surveyor I have to deal with sounds new...not good.
I no longer get Friday off. (state)
I didn't get to make the calls I needed to.
I didn't work out.
So what stood out to me... My time in the elevator. If you have to ask never mind!
I am looking forward to my weekend plans. Should be lots of fun. I need some fun.
Monday, January 17, 2011
I have a new goal
I have been concentrating so much on my mental well being I have neglected my... bum.
I was working out 30 min a day on the treadclimer, doing an ab routine, push ups and 200 squats-5 times a week. Lately I have not worked out more than once a week. Thank god I have still lost weight but I need to get back into toning up...
Thus my new goal is to be able to wear a Victoria Secrets cheeckies bathing suit this summer and not look like a 36 year old...
I have to admit I am enjoying my weight loss. Last week I was working and a lady asked me when I was going to turn 30. Really... she was shocked when I told her I am 35. She said that I looked older when I was heavier but that since I lost weight she thought maybe she had just judged my age wrong.....YEAH!
Since I go into work late tomorrow... I have made a promise to myself and my work out coach that I will work out in the AM. Here's to my work out coach who always knows when to ask if I have been working out and when to give me my slacking space.
PS... Lulu said I have a nice butt.... I knew she was my best friend! LOL
I was working out 30 min a day on the treadclimer, doing an ab routine, push ups and 200 squats-5 times a week. Lately I have not worked out more than once a week. Thank god I have still lost weight but I need to get back into toning up...
Thus my new goal is to be able to wear a Victoria Secrets cheeckies bathing suit this summer and not look like a 36 year old...
I have to admit I am enjoying my weight loss. Last week I was working and a lady asked me when I was going to turn 30. Really... she was shocked when I told her I am 35. She said that I looked older when I was heavier but that since I lost weight she thought maybe she had just judged my age wrong.....YEAH!
Since I go into work late tomorrow... I have made a promise to myself and my work out coach that I will work out in the AM. Here's to my work out coach who always knows when to ask if I have been working out and when to give me my slacking space.
PS... Lulu said I have a nice butt.... I knew she was my best friend! LOL
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Feeling Good
I have to tell you I'm getting the hang of this "single life". I am feeling very relaxed and energized at the same time. I feel as if I am looking at things in a new way... this is what I wanted. I guess I'm just surprised I have been able to transition to this so easily. I still have some guilty feelings about that but overall today I am sure that the decisions I have made are the right ones for me.
I will be okay, I will be happier, I will come out of this for the better!
I will be okay, I will be happier, I will come out of this for the better!
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Old Friends
So I decided to reach out to an old friend I haven't talked to in years. I actually thought something had happened between us that I was not aware of since we seemed to just halt all ties one day for no reason. Turns out it was just life, busy for everyone and sometimes schedules just get to be too much and we have to slow down.
I am excited to see this friend, we had a lot of good times.
I am hoping this is another step to moving on...
Just seems strange that a step to moving forward is actually backward. I'm a little worried that I am just reaching for familiar and it will slow me down with moving forward or cause me to stay in comfort mode.
See I'm not trying to say I have to erase everything about my old life or current life but I need some change, more than just who I am living with. I need a new perspective or approach...yes I'm going back to snow.
So maybe my old friend will be a way for me to connect to a new friend or even a new place, hobby ya never know right!
My plan is to go see my friend, enjoy catching up and just be happy with what it is... stop planning Scarlet!
I am excited to see this friend, we had a lot of good times.
I am hoping this is another step to moving on...
Just seems strange that a step to moving forward is actually backward. I'm a little worried that I am just reaching for familiar and it will slow me down with moving forward or cause me to stay in comfort mode.
See I'm not trying to say I have to erase everything about my old life or current life but I need some change, more than just who I am living with. I need a new perspective or approach...yes I'm going back to snow.
So maybe my old friend will be a way for me to connect to a new friend or even a new place, hobby ya never know right!
My plan is to go see my friend, enjoy catching up and just be happy with what it is... stop planning Scarlet!
Friday, January 14, 2011
Nothing to report
Not really sure what to tell you today.
It was kind of just a day. Nothing to crazy has happened....
No overwhelming feelings of guilt today.... good.
Saw a friend that means a lot to me today.... good.
Have plans I am looking forward to this weekend....good.
Lost a few pounds....always good.
No battles at work.... I'm a little sadistic and like to battle at times... oops.
Made a crazy person a little more crazy....fun. LOL
Going to bed early... that's okay, I will get up early and work out, get some things accomplished. Not every night can be a late night, we are getting older after all.
So goodnight, I'm gonna have sweet dreams, hope you do to!
PS... Hope Lulu gets a kiss tonight!
It was kind of just a day. Nothing to crazy has happened....
No overwhelming feelings of guilt today.... good.
Saw a friend that means a lot to me today.... good.
Have plans I am looking forward to this weekend....good.
Lost a few pounds....always good.
No battles at work.... I'm a little sadistic and like to battle at times... oops.
Made a crazy person a little more crazy....fun. LOL
Going to bed early... that's okay, I will get up early and work out, get some things accomplished. Not every night can be a late night, we are getting older after all.
So goodnight, I'm gonna have sweet dreams, hope you do to!
PS... Hope Lulu gets a kiss tonight!
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Overwhelmed
So I knew these moments would come but now that I am having one it is driving me crazy.
I feel this insanely overwhelming feeling that I am doing the wrong thing. Yes I'm talking about the divorce. I can't figure out why....
I can think it through and it all makes sense. I have given sooo much of myself to someone that is not making an effort to change the worst part of himself. He only tries to make up for himself by concentrating on the good. Now normally I would say OK, at least he is trying to make up for things. BUT his few bad things carry some serious weight.
So if leaving all makes sense then what is with this feeling?
Is it a right a passage we all go through?
Who has the answer?
How long will this last?.... I want to scream right now, I want it gone!
I have to admit this weekend is scaring the crap out of me. I think, no feel like we will have some encounter that I need to be strong for but I have virtually no plans for the weekend and this feeling.
I need one of those women's anthem's playing over and over in my head (any suggestions?). Maybe I should escape for the weekend. Not a bad idea but who would take care of my babies? (The cats)
I know I can't run. Deal with it, find some strength and face this head on. I will be better for it, blah, blah, blah.
I feel this insanely overwhelming feeling that I am doing the wrong thing. Yes I'm talking about the divorce. I can't figure out why....
I can think it through and it all makes sense. I have given sooo much of myself to someone that is not making an effort to change the worst part of himself. He only tries to make up for himself by concentrating on the good. Now normally I would say OK, at least he is trying to make up for things. BUT his few bad things carry some serious weight.
So if leaving all makes sense then what is with this feeling?
Is it a right a passage we all go through?
Who has the answer?
How long will this last?.... I want to scream right now, I want it gone!
I have to admit this weekend is scaring the crap out of me. I think, no feel like we will have some encounter that I need to be strong for but I have virtually no plans for the weekend and this feeling.
I need one of those women's anthem's playing over and over in my head (any suggestions?). Maybe I should escape for the weekend. Not a bad idea but who would take care of my babies? (The cats)
I know I can't run. Deal with it, find some strength and face this head on. I will be better for it, blah, blah, blah.
Sick
So I was so sick yesterday I couldn't post anything. Being sick really sucks but it also made me a little sad.
See the husband I have been complaining about was good a taking care of me when I was sick. I have these habits he understands, let me walk you through it..
I get up an go to lay on the couch cause I CANNOT stay in be for 24 hours. Normally he will carry all my stuff for me... nope I had to make 2 painful trips, 2 cause I had to carry my trash can with me in case.
I always get 1 blanket to lay with once I lay down even if I'm cold I just deal with it cause I don't want to move again. He always asks if I need another blanket but gets me one no matter what... Yesterday I was cold ALL morning until I was forced to get up to answer the door than got another blanket.
When I'm sick on only like a few things to eat and drink (red jell-o, red crystal light, Mrs. Grass chicken soup, maybe if I'm brave toast with cinnamon and sugar)... no one else know this, hell no one else is there to get me these things. Will someone else find these things silly and will they learn them. They are really easy but if I am sick and we don't have them will they go get them without me asking?
So these are silly things but they are me and he knows them and appreciates them. Part of me misses him today. I wish I could tell him this but I can't because it wouldn't be fair, it would confuse him. So I will just keep these things as something I can remember about him that is good. He is a good person he just has very bad habits.
See the husband I have been complaining about was good a taking care of me when I was sick. I have these habits he understands, let me walk you through it..
I get up an go to lay on the couch cause I CANNOT stay in be for 24 hours. Normally he will carry all my stuff for me... nope I had to make 2 painful trips, 2 cause I had to carry my trash can with me in case.
I always get 1 blanket to lay with once I lay down even if I'm cold I just deal with it cause I don't want to move again. He always asks if I need another blanket but gets me one no matter what... Yesterday I was cold ALL morning until I was forced to get up to answer the door than got another blanket.
When I'm sick on only like a few things to eat and drink (red jell-o, red crystal light, Mrs. Grass chicken soup, maybe if I'm brave toast with cinnamon and sugar)... no one else know this, hell no one else is there to get me these things. Will someone else find these things silly and will they learn them. They are really easy but if I am sick and we don't have them will they go get them without me asking?
So these are silly things but they are me and he knows them and appreciates them. Part of me misses him today. I wish I could tell him this but I can't because it wouldn't be fair, it would confuse him. So I will just keep these things as something I can remember about him that is good. He is a good person he just has very bad habits.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Snow
The snow gave me so much today, kind of crazy when I think about it. I didn't ask for it, not sure I wanted it but I got it and accepted it, what else could I do?
On my way out of work it was fresh and glittering it was beautiful. I thought to myself why do I always say I hate the snow. How could you hate something that looks like this?
On the LONG drive home it was a pain in the ass and pushed me around the road, somehow I only passed 1 accident.
At home I had to shovel, though I haven't shoveled in a long time it felt good, helped relieve the stress of my day and set my mind at ease.
So the snow in a matter of 4 hours gave me everything from beauty to back ache...lol, without me asking and without me thinking if I would allow it to do these things.
So i am wondering.... Is there a way to live your life like everything is snow?
Let it come, don't think you can control it....
Deal with it the best way you can, and appreciate what it has done for you that day...
After all you can worry about what to do but can you really control it? So is all that worry worth it?
Sounds good BUT I'm a control freak and I have serious doubts I will ever be able to live my life this way.... So I guess I will just appreciate the moments when I can and learn to recognize them be it snow or anything else!
On my way out of work it was fresh and glittering it was beautiful. I thought to myself why do I always say I hate the snow. How could you hate something that looks like this?
On the LONG drive home it was a pain in the ass and pushed me around the road, somehow I only passed 1 accident.
At home I had to shovel, though I haven't shoveled in a long time it felt good, helped relieve the stress of my day and set my mind at ease.
So the snow in a matter of 4 hours gave me everything from beauty to back ache...lol, without me asking and without me thinking if I would allow it to do these things.
So i am wondering.... Is there a way to live your life like everything is snow?
Let it come, don't think you can control it....
Deal with it the best way you can, and appreciate what it has done for you that day...
After all you can worry about what to do but can you really control it? So is all that worry worth it?
Sounds good BUT I'm a control freak and I have serious doubts I will ever be able to live my life this way.... So I guess I will just appreciate the moments when I can and learn to recognize them be it snow or anything else!
Monday, January 10, 2011
Lets get ready to rumble!!!!!
Well let the mental warfare begin. I was in a texting/phone war with the husband today... went kind of like this...
He calls the house, sneaky (no caller ID, yes I know its 2011)... wants to know why we haven't talked in a month. I once again explain this is not about the day to day life but the big picture... ie the habits he has that I don't want in my life and that have caused ALL out problems at this time. He then tells me he has a lawyer... ok I say. After some idol threats from him we hang up.
Since this has not worked in his favor he now texts me he loves and misses me.... later can we get marriage counseling.
I text, we don't need marriage counseling you need substance abuse counseling and maybe a reality check.
Now the twilight zone. He texts me not to slander him blah, blah, blah... really. Does he think that these texts are gonna make a difference in court. I don't want to be married to someone with his problems, I have stuck by him through more than my fair share.
We go through about 10 more texts that flip between sad and angry then I finally say, sorry lets go back to not talking.
Do those that don't want the divorce really think this game is gonna work?
NEWS FLASH it just makes the other one more angry and wish it would be over with faster!!!
He calls the house, sneaky (no caller ID, yes I know its 2011)... wants to know why we haven't talked in a month. I once again explain this is not about the day to day life but the big picture... ie the habits he has that I don't want in my life and that have caused ALL out problems at this time. He then tells me he has a lawyer... ok I say. After some idol threats from him we hang up.
Since this has not worked in his favor he now texts me he loves and misses me.... later can we get marriage counseling.
I text, we don't need marriage counseling you need substance abuse counseling and maybe a reality check.
Now the twilight zone. He texts me not to slander him blah, blah, blah... really. Does he think that these texts are gonna make a difference in court. I don't want to be married to someone with his problems, I have stuck by him through more than my fair share.
We go through about 10 more texts that flip between sad and angry then I finally say, sorry lets go back to not talking.
Do those that don't want the divorce really think this game is gonna work?
NEWS FLASH it just makes the other one more angry and wish it would be over with faster!!!
Sunday, January 9, 2011
thanks
A big thanks to Lulu.... for all my followers...LOL. Lulu has somehow broke some of the "widgets" I think that's what she said, but most importantly... tah dah I can now get comments!
So for those of you that have been holding it in and about to explode with advise, sarcasm or just a show of support please comment away. Remember... you are not the only one that can read these so keep it on the DL with the info!
HA HA HA
So for those of you that have been holding it in and about to explode with advise, sarcasm or just a show of support please comment away. Remember... you are not the only one that can read these so keep it on the DL with the info!
HA HA HA
truth hurts
I hate to outright hurt people but I guess there is just times you can't stop that. Like divorce. I have not talked to my husband about anything significant since he left the house which was technically before I asked him to leave. I guess I was hoping he would realize with the distance and silence that I was serious about our relationship being over. I think I was really hoping that would mean I didn't have to keep telling him its over. I feel like when you say the words you might as well cut the persons heart out. No one wants to hear it, guess what no one really wants to say it. Maybe that's what keeps some bad marriages together, no one whats to say the truth. I personally have no problem with the truth, it may hurt but for a few but in the end its better than someone lying to you.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Jealousy
1/5/11
Jealousy, not something I feel very often. I usually am just happy for people and there success. So in the last 24 hours I have felt serious jealousy and it caught me off guard.
1st was just a silly thing that I am embarrassed about and won't even go there!
The 2nd I will tell you about. I have been thinking of a girl I was friends with through most of my school life. We had a lot of things in common. Career choices, places we wanted to live, cars we wanted to drive and things we wanted from our spouse. Life "goals" in general. So today I googled her and found her face book page. No I don't have face book, I'm thinking about it.
Anyway, she looked so much the same. Very pretty and happy. She has done almost all the things we wanted to do or maybe she has done them all! The strange thing is last I knew her life was a lot like mine, now its completely different.
She lives in Florida, has a good career with a professional husband. It appears she is very happy. When she lived here she was a teacher??? never a goal of hers and married to someone else. So I am wondering when she made all these changes and it makes me feel excited about mine. So yes I'm jealous she has done all we talked about, but not bad jealous. I am very happy for her and feel getting back in touch with her may be a very good thing. I think I will make this a goal of mine!
I also think think I will work on the 1st issue I am staying silent on.... well I plan to make many changes in my life acting like a nutcase isn't one of them!
Jealousy, not something I feel very often. I usually am just happy for people and there success. So in the last 24 hours I have felt serious jealousy and it caught me off guard.
1st was just a silly thing that I am embarrassed about and won't even go there!
The 2nd I will tell you about. I have been thinking of a girl I was friends with through most of my school life. We had a lot of things in common. Career choices, places we wanted to live, cars we wanted to drive and things we wanted from our spouse. Life "goals" in general. So today I googled her and found her face book page. No I don't have face book, I'm thinking about it.
Anyway, she looked so much the same. Very pretty and happy. She has done almost all the things we wanted to do or maybe she has done them all! The strange thing is last I knew her life was a lot like mine, now its completely different.
She lives in Florida, has a good career with a professional husband. It appears she is very happy. When she lived here she was a teacher??? never a goal of hers and married to someone else. So I am wondering when she made all these changes and it makes me feel excited about mine. So yes I'm jealous she has done all we talked about, but not bad jealous. I am very happy for her and feel getting back in touch with her may be a very good thing. I think I will make this a goal of mine!
I also think think I will work on the 1st issue I am staying silent on.... well I plan to make many changes in my life acting like a nutcase isn't one of them!
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Confidence
1/4/11 When does our confidence start to change. When I was a teenager or young adult I had the great pleasure of being confident or arrogant enough to never second guess myself. At what point in time do you start to wonder should I always be second guessing myself.
Is it that with age comes wisdom?
Is the wisdom in knowing you should always think things through?
Is thinking things through second guessing yourself?
I feel 99% confident in my decision to leave my husband. But I have a friend that often makes me wonder if I am on the right track.... Why? I wonder sometimes if this friend has my best interest in mind or if they are so busy talking they don't even realize what they are saying.
It may be the smallest comment that I read into, it may be the realization that expectations out there in the single world are something I never thought I wanted to deal with again.
I am seeing myself as less confident in all matters these days, work, personal life, finances. This really bothers me. I hope that this is just a phase. Maybe when everything in your life is turning upside down you have no choice but to wonder.... Is this because of a bad decision I made before? OR is this just life and I need to continue to make decisions best I can at the time and as long as I think logically and add some heart to the mix things will work out in the long run.
Sometimes I just want to say, no decisions today so don't put me in a spot where I have to decide.
I think this is why people become hermits...ha ha ha.
Is it that with age comes wisdom?
Is the wisdom in knowing you should always think things through?
Is thinking things through second guessing yourself?
I feel 99% confident in my decision to leave my husband. But I have a friend that often makes me wonder if I am on the right track.... Why? I wonder sometimes if this friend has my best interest in mind or if they are so busy talking they don't even realize what they are saying.
It may be the smallest comment that I read into, it may be the realization that expectations out there in the single world are something I never thought I wanted to deal with again.
I am seeing myself as less confident in all matters these days, work, personal life, finances. This really bothers me. I hope that this is just a phase. Maybe when everything in your life is turning upside down you have no choice but to wonder.... Is this because of a bad decision I made before? OR is this just life and I need to continue to make decisions best I can at the time and as long as I think logically and add some heart to the mix things will work out in the long run.
Sometimes I just want to say, no decisions today so don't put me in a spot where I have to decide.
I think this is why people become hermits...ha ha ha.
Monday, January 3, 2011
Man Up
1/3/10
Okay I just have to say whether its work, your personal life or a goal if you didn't get it done....own it. Stop blaming others for your lack of responsibility. You will become a better person if you own up to your mistakes, if you realize you are not always perfect and its okay to admit it.
I learned a while ago that If you don't own up to your mistakes or your "faults" you can't say that you have given anything your all. This lesson will serve you well in all aspects of your life. If you think your just lazy at work chances are your just kidding yourself. Your lazy at home and in your personal life.
That's all I have for today.... lazy people have caused me a headache. Scarlet needs to go to bed early!
Okay I just have to say whether its work, your personal life or a goal if you didn't get it done....own it. Stop blaming others for your lack of responsibility. You will become a better person if you own up to your mistakes, if you realize you are not always perfect and its okay to admit it.
I learned a while ago that If you don't own up to your mistakes or your "faults" you can't say that you have given anything your all. This lesson will serve you well in all aspects of your life. If you think your just lazy at work chances are your just kidding yourself. Your lazy at home and in your personal life.
That's all I have for today.... lazy people have caused me a headache. Scarlet needs to go to bed early!
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Technology
1/2/2011
Love it or hate it? I feel I have a love hate relationship with technology. Why???? Well since I'm in the process of divorce I have to say that there are times I need to talk to my girls. Well since NO ONE has a home phone these days that is not always possible. Most people seem to have these huge dead zones in there house including myself. But when you are in the need for a girl talk and the only thing you can do is text..... Hello are you out there, well there is not always an answer. Most people don't carry their phones with them through the house so they don't know you text them until they check..... that can be a long time when you need to vent.
Lets review texting.
Pros:
Can have conversations while doing other things, no one can hear you!
Can have more than 1 conversation at a time without upsetting anyone.
Can talk to "ex" without talking. Voices care much more emotion than a text.
Cons:
Did someone not see your text or are they choosing to ignore you?
Sometimes its nice to hear a voice.
People have time to think of the "right" answer.
Another technology complain is trying to figure out how to transfer my ipod library from 1 computer to another. Is ipod a language that is a secret cause is seems like it.
Anyway today was a day of cleaning. Cleaning can be therapeutic. I would like to think I was cleaning up the old to make room for the new. New ideas, new thoughts, eventually new people. I hate to refer to a person as the old cause I thought at a certain age I would never erase people out of my life. I still hope that but I have to be realistic that my husband will probably never be able to be a part of my life after the divorce. He won't move on and won't be able to see me move on so it will be better for little contact.
In the end, my house is close to the level of clean I like and I feel that I have accomplished another day, another task and today was a little easier. Cross our fingers for tomorrow.
Love it or hate it? I feel I have a love hate relationship with technology. Why???? Well since I'm in the process of divorce I have to say that there are times I need to talk to my girls. Well since NO ONE has a home phone these days that is not always possible. Most people seem to have these huge dead zones in there house including myself. But when you are in the need for a girl talk and the only thing you can do is text..... Hello are you out there, well there is not always an answer. Most people don't carry their phones with them through the house so they don't know you text them until they check..... that can be a long time when you need to vent.
Lets review texting.
Pros:
Can have conversations while doing other things, no one can hear you!
Can have more than 1 conversation at a time without upsetting anyone.
Can talk to "ex" without talking. Voices care much more emotion than a text.
Cons:
Did someone not see your text or are they choosing to ignore you?
Sometimes its nice to hear a voice.
People have time to think of the "right" answer.
Another technology complain is trying to figure out how to transfer my ipod library from 1 computer to another. Is ipod a language that is a secret cause is seems like it.
Anyway today was a day of cleaning. Cleaning can be therapeutic. I would like to think I was cleaning up the old to make room for the new. New ideas, new thoughts, eventually new people. I hate to refer to a person as the old cause I thought at a certain age I would never erase people out of my life. I still hope that but I have to be realistic that my husband will probably never be able to be a part of my life after the divorce. He won't move on and won't be able to see me move on so it will be better for little contact.
In the end, my house is close to the level of clean I like and I feel that I have accomplished another day, another task and today was a little easier. Cross our fingers for tomorrow.
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Happy New Year
NEW YEARS RESOLUTION!!!!!
Make choices for yourself that have your best interest first!
Sounds easy right.... So why haven't I made any decisions today? No I'm not hung over, I think I'm stuck. See right now I'm on day 10 without my husband. We are in the beginning of divorce. Yes I am the evil force behind this choice and yes even though I know its right, I need this, I am having a hard time figuring out where to start and what I have the strength for. So today I am going to just be. No decisions need to be made on the 1st day of this year right. I would like to think I'm making the choice today to have a peaceful day and focus my thoughts to ensure I start the year out right. I will work on strengthening myself today. Its not easy to go from having someone around everyday good or bad to being alone. The house seems bigger, colder and more quiet than ever. So today nothing.... learn how to deal with nothing so when it happens again and it will I won't make the mistake of reaching for just anything to fill the void. I will reach for what is in my best interest what brings me happiness and peace.
Make choices for yourself that have your best interest first!
Sounds easy right.... So why haven't I made any decisions today? No I'm not hung over, I think I'm stuck. See right now I'm on day 10 without my husband. We are in the beginning of divorce. Yes I am the evil force behind this choice and yes even though I know its right, I need this, I am having a hard time figuring out where to start and what I have the strength for. So today I am going to just be. No decisions need to be made on the 1st day of this year right. I would like to think I'm making the choice today to have a peaceful day and focus my thoughts to ensure I start the year out right. I will work on strengthening myself today. Its not easy to go from having someone around everyday good or bad to being alone. The house seems bigger, colder and more quiet than ever. So today nothing.... learn how to deal with nothing so when it happens again and it will I won't make the mistake of reaching for just anything to fill the void. I will reach for what is in my best interest what brings me happiness and peace.
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