Puzzled

So out of no where, I finally see someone on a website that has potential to be someone I can date without considering it torture.  There is always a catch,we live about an hour away from each other.  So for now we can split the distance and this will make it easy to not be on top of each other...

But I have discovered something that I'm a little puzzled by...

As I have been telling a few friends of mine why I have been having trouble finding someone to date I am somehow offending them I think???  No one is saying I am but I hear a change in their tone when they start suddenly talking about their man.

See here is my "demand" that seem to upset my friends:
I want a guy that at least takes care of himself.  He doesn't have to be perfect or muscle bound BUT I am working hard myself on be fit and I have found that it is easier when you both want that. 
Now everyone understand these things:
Both need to want kids...
Both need to want to save money...
Both need to like to travel...

So why am I offending people when I say.... "I want"  I'm not saying everyone should want.

See my ex used to always give me reasons why I didn't need to work out and on those days when I needed a little encouragement he did the opposite.  The guy I'm dating now is very fit and encourages me to do what I need to do to reach my goal.

I have found that lost memory of being insanely attracted to your man.   LOL.
Whats wrong with wanting that still.

I guess people think I'm judging them if they don't want the same things, but again we were talking about what I want.  I am getting frustrated that I have to deal with other peoples insecurities when I'm talking about myself!!

Well I guess I might have to do the tough love thing and point this out to them soon....

New Year 2013- Im back

Well it has been over a year since my last post.  I won't lie, I was busy living my AMAZING life, LOL.  I really thought I was, today I had a slap in the face and I'm lost again and over this whole thing.

I am with the man that I previously talked about (NO, not the ex).  I have been sooo happy with him and our relationship.  Things have been smooth and moving forward.  He asked me to meet his family, his whole family.  I loved them and felt like I fit right in.

We were planning our travel schedule for next year and plan to move in together in 2014.

Sounds great, right?????

Well then why am I flooded with concerns?  I know I am ready to move forward and he isn't.
I know he plans to but he wants this one last year to move slow, I agree with my head but my heart is already past the year.

This is all new to me, I have never been so in love before I moved forward based on my heart, not my head.  My head is now telling me to run.  See I have always been the one with the least emotions and the tables are turned.  I am the chaser not the chasie.  This end sucks!!  I'm not sure what to do, go out and occupy my time, see what happens or sit back and deal with my emotional turmoil?

Here's to hoping I wake up with the answer, Happy New Year.

Scattered

I feel like I was scattered all over the place again.  This time it was my ignorence or arigance.  Im not sure which one but, I was thrown for a loop or slapped in the face wtih the reality of my situation.

I let myself feel safe and in love, too soon I think.  I let my guard down.  I let my imagination and heart free.

I would say this is a good thing but Im just not ready to be wronged again or ready to be dissapointed.
I am not sure what to do really so I am just concentrating on me.
What do I have to do today to make it successful, what do I have to do to feel good?

This is the easy way to live these days.  The hard days are just ahead......

The person that has the potential to hurt me has been gone so it has been easy to act as if he wasnt ever here.
But he is almost back, I will have to see him almost every day.  This will be hard and I don't know what I want to do.  Do I want to continue this risk or stop it now?  How will I know?

Worse yet, what if he has already decided for me? 

I never thought this would happen so soon.  To become so attached.  To love like this so quickly.

Well here's to hoping it all works out! 

family

Recently my grandmother passed away.  She was my last grandparent and the link to my family.
My mothers family is mostly gone and what little is left is no where near us.
My fathers family is all around but if not for my grandma we would probably never see them.

This was not easy for me.  This just reminds me I am that much closer to loosing my own parents.  A thought I am not ready to contend with.  Again it reminds me how quickly time goes by.

I did not get to spend a lot of time with my grandma before she passed.  I regret not seeing her more, as I am sure most of us do.  I am happy she passed peacefully and will miss her very much.  She had her faults like we all do but she was giving.  She was funny too.  Especially as she got older, she let out more.  I can only imagine what she was like when she was young and spoke freely among her friends.
She was pretty.

I can't imagine those that grow up without grandparents or family at all.  How alone it must be. I am grateful that I had all my grandparents for so long. 

I think I never realized how separate my family was until recently.  I guess its because my ex's family was huge and I was involved in his so I didn't realize mine was so distant.

I spoke with my sister about trying to keep my family together, not sure how successful we will be. 
But for myself, this is a goal I will set.  It might not be the same tradition as before but I plan to put forth an effort to make better connections within my family.

Time lines

So I have this strange thing I do to myself.  
I put timelines on everything.   Maybe this is a side effect of my work.  Everything does have a timeline.

But in our personal life time lines don't make sense and tend to cause us to rush and make decisions too early.  I learned this in my marriage as I feel like that is why I even got married.
I had this timeline in  my head.
Get degree, find work, meet man, get married buy house, have family!  Oh yeah must all be completed by 35.  I would have completed all that if not for the whole pregnancy thing.

Obviously thinking back this timeline maybe pushed me to or helped me to keep moving forward even though I knew my husband wasn't ready or wouldn't be successful, so not a good idea.

Now I feel myself trying to do this again.  I am happy mostly where I am.  I would tweek a few things but overall happy.  So why do I feel the need to put a timeline in place again?
My big concern is this timeline could cause me to push or over think things and ruin them.  

Why do it?  Why put this timeline in place?   How can I stop myself?

Between

I know this is gonna sound kind of sad, but I don't mean it that way.

I'm living in this kind of in between state these days.
Almost divorced, but not quite.
Almost in a relationship, but not quite.
Almost at my weight goal, but not quite.
I have a home, but not really.

The big question is........How long do you live like this?   Until you say no more?
Do you say no more cause you feel it or cause you think it?

Some of these things I don't have control over, some I do.
I am ready to move to the next step the not between step.
I guess technically I have been living between for over a year.
I think its starting to wear on me.
I used to not think about being there, It used to be just where I was, now its where I want to move on from.

There are some obstacles in my way and one is fear.
Fear I am making some wrong choices.
People say trust your heart.  I thought I did that before, didn't get me very far.
Now I wonder if it was my heart I heard or something else.  If it was something else what if that's what I'm hearing again?

Ugh......  so many questions, no one answers!!

LOL

present, past, now future

Everyone has a story to tell.  So do I.  I am learning now how my story is told. 
You often hear, I'm glad what I went through it made me who I am today. 
I'm sure it did but what about......  This is me so this is my story.

I mean, everyone would handle the same situation different.  So why not say I shaped it not it shaped me?

My story in the present was like so many.  I was in the middle, I did what I could.  I made decisions unsure of what would happen in the end.  When I was in my story I could not see anything else, I could not see the beginning the middle or the end.  It was like I woke up wrapped up and just had to be.

My story in the past was embarrassing.  So many people judge us for what we have been through and how we have handled it. 
You should have, I would have, I don't know how you could..... 
I knew no other way, I was being me. 
I was supporting someone that needed me.  I had pledged my love to this person and though they were not showing me ANY love in their actions I still gave them me. 
I gave me until I felt I had no more to give. 
This is my past, being embarrassed of my actions. 
WHY?  Why is it soooo bad to be supportive and giving until you have no more to give?

So now my story is my future.  I am still me.  I have given and I made it through.  We did not. 
I'm okay with that.
I am no longer embarrassed because I do realize.  I shouldn't be. 
Why should I be embarrassed to have given so much of myself to help another?  Maybe you should be embarrassed that you won't. 

My future is not what happened to me but its how I made it into this...
I will still give, I will still support, I will be there, I will not judge!
I will love!!!!   and I will love BIG!!!!